Heather's Happy Heart

Change

2010-03-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

Hello Blog. I've missed you.

There's a funny thing about life. It's constantly changing. Sheryl Crow sings about change. It was Obama's mantra. But whenever you hear people talk about change, it's always someone else who has to go through it. A change will do you good. Change sucks.

So what changes have happened since I last posted? Isaac is in 1st grade and he's doing fantastic. He excels in math and reading, both which he likes to do at home just for fun. Right now we're having a tough time with Spring Break (one of those autism change things), but we'll survive like we have the ones before. Brooke has gotten older, bigger, and crankier. We dealt with colic and continue to deal with acid reflux. She's incredibly needy. She's crawling now which I'm so grateful for, because of course I worry. Early Intervention might still hear from me, just to get her checked out and make sure she stays where she should be. Dan works. Lately he's been doing the LOOONG shifts where he's gone for about 12 hours a day, and these are usually 8 or 9 days in a row. I'm starting to think this is God's punishment for me complaining about Dan's work schedule BEFORE this. You know, one of those parent things that goes, "I'll give you something to complain about!" Yup. By the time Dan gets home at night and I've just gotten the kids to bed you might imagine how much I need quiet and alone time.

(continued 15.5 hours later)

You see, this is the trouble I've had posting blogs because it's hard to get the (undisturbed) time needed to sit down and write them. Also the reason I spend so much time on Facebook because of all the interesting things I can do using only one hand and with only 40 seconds of free time.

Other changes? A new house. We moved from our tiny 2 bedroom duplex to a large 3 bedroom house. It was only $50 more per month than what we were paying and about 500 sq feet larger. We had to take it! Now if only all these boxes would disappear...

A new van. Our red lemon that we bought last year finally had to go. When a $700 vehicle needs a $2000 new tranny, it's time to let it go. Our new van is a Dodge Caravan. Even though it's completely manual (windows, locks, mirrors, everything), it's still so nice because it runs! I wonder how much it'd cost to have automatic locks put in?

Follow-up

2009-07-24T21:02:00.000-07:00

Today I had my follow-up appointment. As I was sitting in the room waiting for the doctor to come in, my mind was drifting as I was staring at the shelves in the room. Then I realized what I'd been staring at: a life-like replica of a woman's hoo-haa. Then I couldn't stop staring at it because #1) I couldn't figure out what in the world they would use this model for, especially since it had the handy dandy hole and #2) I kept thinking all they needed to do was put pens in that handy dandy hole and it'd look like some obscene pencil holder. The appointment went fine and I'm now equiped to not have any more surprise Thurber peanuts until I decide I want more.

Which I don't. Right now I really don't.

Besides not having time to get on here and type with two hands, I haven't felt like writing. Brooke's acid reflux has gotten better since being on her medicine, but the colic is still rough. She cries all evening until we head to bed at about 11pm. She wakes between 3-5am, and either starts her day or falls back asleep for a couple of hours. At least we're starting to see something that could be defined as a fuzzy routine.

Isaac's been driving me nuts. When he's not having fits, he's having accidents which really aren't accidents since I know he can use the potty he's just not listening to his body and doing it. So on a daily basis I'm scrubbing pee off the carpet, the sofa, the rocker, the computer chair, and today when he pooped his pants and it fell on the floor I was scrubbing poop off the bathroom floor too. He goes through his entire underwear stock in a day. It makes me feel like my house is so gross and dirty, even when I'm scrubbing up after him.

So I do a lot of whining lately, and no one wants to listen to that.

One day Dan took the kids for the day and I was able to get the house totally scrubbed clean. It was glorious. It didn't last long, but it was wonderful while it lasted and I look forward to being able to have that clean house again. Some day.

Before (Eeeeek!)

After (Aaaaah!)

Bleeding ears

2009-07-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

It's good to be grateful for the little things in life. I'm grateful that, as of yet, my ears haven't bled from Brooke's screaming. I don't know if it's even possible for that to happen, but it wouldn't surprise me either.

Brooke has been diagnosed with acid reflux, a very common condition in newborns. She's been on Zantac for a few days now and we've seen an improvement. She still spits up, but it's not as often, it's not projectile, and it's not coming out her nose.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

Considering that I didn't get to bed until 1am last night, I can't say that the Zantac is helping with the colic much.

We had a good 4th of July. We did fireworks here at home because I'm a party-pooper and didn't feel like hauling two grouchy kids to some late night show. We still had a good time.

And Brooke, who will wake from her nap at the slightest sound, slept like this through our neighborhood's entire firework display:

Both the kids have been a handful. Between Brooke's screaming and barfing and Isaac's attitude problem, the days go by pretty quickly. Occasionally we get nice moments like this:

A couple Sundays ago Isaac noticed the clouds and pointed them out to me. I've never seen clouds like this! It made me appreciate those small, beautiful things in life that are so easy to overlook.

And I've even started working in the yard again, which I've missed so much! It's great to be outside playing in the dirt, and have something beautiful come from your hard work.

Dear Journal...

2009-07-08T07:05:00.000-07:00

Oh, how I've missed you!
Having a newborn in the home, combined with Dan's 12 hour work days, means I have very little hands-free time. If I can't do something with one hand, it's likely not going to be done until Dan gets home from work.

In addition, our sweet baby has developed a healthy case of colic. I held my breath and was hopeful since the first two weeks were wonderful. Then the third week she started having some bad days. At the end of the week I noticed I'd been saying "She's had a bad day" all week long. She's five weeks old already! Today we'll take her into the doctor to make sure it's just colic and not something else. But it's been so very hard. The days that Daniel is home to help me with the house and kids is like oxygen for a drowning woman. Sometimes counting the minutes and lots of prayer is the only way to get through the day.

Chaos is a daily adventure

2009-07-01T21:44:00.000-07:00

I've always had respect for mothers who have more than one child. For me I've always had that kind of awe and wondered how they made it through their day.

Now I know. Mothers of more than one child make it through the day powered by caffeine, the knowledge that Dad will be home eventually, and the hope that these days will pass.

For some reason the days that Dan is home seem to be our easiest days. Days that Daddy works are the days the kids raise hell. Today was a perfect example of what every day is like for me with two kids:

This morning I was to meet my family at Home Depot. I got the kids ready and a crying baby in her carseat and turned off the lights and was heading out the door when my phone rang. It was my mom calling to tell me that some of my family was going to be 30 minutes late. I was upset because I already had a cranky baby loaded up and ready to go, so I decided I would just meet my mom there and we'd sit and visit and wait for the rest of the family. We get there and we go in so my mom can use the bathroom, and I asked Isaac if he had to go. He said no. We get back outside and Isaac starts grabbing his bottom. I ask him if he has to go. He said no. I reminded him of the new rule that if he poops his pants he'll lose his movie priviledge for the day. I asked him if he had to go. He said no. A couple minutes later he informed me that he pooped his pants. I pass the baby off to my mom and proceed to take Isaac into the store restroom while informing him that he's lost his movie priviledge for the day. He's upset and wants to earn the movies back and I told him no. Also, I didn't bring a change of underwear or anything for him, so the only thing I could do was dump the poop in the toilet and put him back in his underwear. Finally when it was time to head home I had Brooke crying and Isaac throwing a hissy fit and kicking the back of my seat. He had a time-out when we got home.

The majority of my day is spent holding Brooke, and occasionally being able to set her down to sleep, which she did for about 10 minutes each time before she realized I wasn't holding her anymore and she'd wake up crying. A gold star for me today that I actually got dishes done! We had PB & J sandwiches for dinner.

Then this evening I'm feeding Brooke a bottle and having Isaac pick up his toys to start getting ready for bed. He's grabbing his bottom and I ask if he has to use the bathroom. He said no. I told him if he pooped his pants he'd lose his morning movie priviledge. I asked him if he had to go. He said no. Then Brooke pooped so I put the bottle down and changed her pants. She was still hungry so I sat down with the bottle again. Then Isaac told me he'd peed his pants. I'm busy feeding Brooke so I send him upstairs and tell him he's lost his priviledges again. I told him to take off his wet clothes and sit on the toilet. A minute later he calls down for me that he went pee and poo in the toilet! He wants to know if he's earned back his movie time for doing that, so I said fine. He came to the top of the stairs naked from the waist down, so I told him to get back in the bathroom and make sure he wiped and washed his hands. Then I needed him to get clothes on. I'm finishing feeding Brooke and I'm impressed she's eaten so much, just as Isaac comes downstairs still naked from the waist down. As he comes streaking into the living room Brooke projectile vomitted her entire bottle all over herself and me! I quickly grab a change of clothes from the huge pile of clean laundry that's been sitting in our livingroom that I never get around to putting away, and I herd the kids upstairs. Up there, I go ahead and wipe Isaac's bottom again because I knew he wouldn't have really gotten it well (he didn't). I give him a pull-up and his pj's and send him into the hall to get dressed. I get down on the bathroom floor and strip Brooke down and give her a quick sponge bath to wash all the formula off and get her in her pj's. I get both kids downstairs and Isaac reminds me I forgot to brush his teeth. I go back upstairs with both kids and let Isaac brush first. Because he doesn't have good hand coordination, I also have to brush his teeth for him, so I set Brooke down in the hall and she's crying and I'm brushing Isaac's teeth. We get that done and get back downstairs where I lay Brooke down in her basinett and then run back upstairs so I can change my clothes since they were still covered with formula slime. Run back downstairs and pick up the crying Brooke and go in the kitchen to find a bedtime snack for Isaac to eat while we read bedtime stories. Dan walks through the door at that moment (about 8:30pm) after being gone for work nearly 12 hours (long work days, short work week). I shoo him upstairs to quickly use the bathroom and then pass Brooke off to him. Between the two of us we get Isaac to bed, he takes over holding Brooke and I start laundry and start the prep for tomorrow's dinner.

Dan has been home for an hour and a half and holding a crying Brooke he looks at me and asks me if I want a turn with her?

Um.

No.

The day I had today? Repeat that every day, and welcome to my life now that I have two kids!

The death of a great man

2009-06-26T09:08:00.000-07:00

My Grandpa passed away Tuesday the 23rd at 2:00am.

I'm so grateful that I had driven down Sunday for an unplanned visit, because I hadn't planned on visiting until Tuesday and it would have been too late. He was in bad shape Sunday, but he knew we were there. We had just visited a few days before, and it's crazy to think he would die so soon. He had battled the lung cancer for so long, to me it seemed like he'd just keep fighting it. When we were there Sunday, I sat in the same room with him and you could see how close to death he was. As I held me newborn daughter and sat across from Grandpa, it struck me how here was new life and death. He lived to see Brooke and hold her. That's very special to me. As I drove away Sunday and headed for home, I turned the radio on and heard the song "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw. I thought how strange and at the same time how appropriate for that song to come on at that particular moment. When Grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer about 3 years ago, he was given 6 months to live. All the trips and things that my grandparents wanted to do tomorrow, became today. Grandpa continued to live his life but each day was precious. None of us know when our time is up, and lately I've been thinking of changes I want to make in my life so that when my time comes I can say, "I lived a great life."

Love & gratitude

2009-06-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

I want to post more later, but I wanted to say: Go hug your loved ones today. Express those feelings of love and gratitude because tomorrow may never come.

P.S. I've been told my comments section isn't working, and I'll try to fix it soon.

Hello summer

2009-06-20T16:10:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is officially the first day of summer. It doesn't feel like it. It's been humid and damp, and today is even on the cool side. I'm wondering if it will rain on Isaac's birthday next weekend? It's never rained on his birthday so far... in fact, all of his birthdays have been hot. I don't mind a cool summer since I don't like the heat, but I also don't like it if it's 70 or higher and raining. Ugh.

I've been absolutely exhausted the past couple of days. It's so hard when Dan has to be to work at 5:30am, because that means I've been doing baby duty on my own during the night so he can stay awake and alert at work. We've been getting to bed between 10 and 11pm. I get up with Brooke about midnight. Then again about 4am, and up for the day. If I try to lay her down and she's not totally asleep, she cries and carries on until I go to pick her up. This morning she had gas and was crying and woke Isaac up at 5:30am. In addition to gas, Brooke has also had some blocked tear ducts so her eyes have been gunky, poor babe. And while I've been trying to tend to her and clean house, all day today Isaac has been "Mommommommommom". I feel only slightly bad that when Dan comes through the door after work I practically shove the kids off on him.

My meds after leaving the hospital

Hurting more today than usual. I've also been doing more work than usual because the house is in dire need of it. This week I stopped my prescription pain meds, so I'm using OTC Excedrin and Ibuprofen instead. I should also clean my fridge today. It stinks. Why does it stink? I can't figure it out. Yikes, if I still hurt tonight I may need to take one of my prescription pain meds that are left over.

Just another day in paradise

2009-06-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

Know that song? Today was kind of like that.

Got up this morning and we got ready to go get Brooke's newborn pictures taken. Since the hospital here doesn't do newborn pictures (that totally sucked!), we set up this appointment to have them done professionally. Isaac wanted his picture taken with Brooke.

We got a call from the gal telling us she was sick, and she wanted to give us a heads up in case we wanted to reschedule. I didn't want to reschedule because Brooke is nearly 3 weeks old and these pictures should have been taken of her as a newborn in the hospital! They only stay newborn for a brief time!

I ironed Brooke's dress, since last night I had spent time untangling the fringe on the baby blanket I had made when I was pregnant with Isaac and I wanted to use it in Brooke's pictures. Seriously, it took me about an hour and a half to get the blanket picture perfect and I even went to bed really late because I wanted this blanket to be ready for the pictures.

We made it to the picture appointment and I realized I had left the blanket at home. No, we couldn't go home and get it because home was nearly a 30 minute drive away. So we ended up using the pink blanket we had quickly tucked around her as we'd dashed out the door. Thank heavens it was clean and worked nicely.

Then we shopped for a birthday present for one of Isaac's friends who happens to be having his birthday party the same day Isaac is. This put Isaac in a bad, bad mood because the toy wasn't for him and he couldn't play with it. He decided he didn't want any birthday parties or presents. I said fine... mom and dad would go and we'd eat his cake and ice cream and play with his birthday present toys. He came this close to going down for a nap which he hasn't done in years.

Got home and ate lunch. Dan changed Brooke's diaper and discovered that her cord had finally fallen off! Problem: Where did it go? It was really gross. Even more gross that we couldn't find it because of the stupid coloring of our funky carpeting. About an hour later I found it when I stepped on it. Ya. Gross. Way cool though, Brooke has an adorable belly button now!

Isaac played his afternoon game time and I took an hour nap. Nice. I have barely taken any naps since getting home from the hospital, and since Dan has to work super duper early tomorrow (5:30 am) that means tonight the baby duty is up to me and then I'm on my own with the kids until he gets home at about 2:30 pm.

This morning I weighed myself, and I've already lost all my baby weight PLUS some! YAY ME! Totally stinks though that my tummy is still swollen so I can't get my old jeans over my hips yet. This afternoon while snuggling with Brooke I treated myself to some homemade trail mix: peanuts, pretzels, raisins, sunflower seeds, chocolate chips. A while later I looked down at Brooke and was horrified to see this:

I had managed to drop a chocolate chip that wedged itself between my shirt and my daughter's hot sweaty head, covering both of us in melted chocolate. If she'd opened her eyes it would have hurt! I had to ask Dan's help to clean us both off, but of course he had to snap a picture first.

And yesterday Daniel gave Isaac a haircut. Except when we do haircuts, Isaac always has to sit on Dad's lap to be partly restrained while I use the buzzers, except I wasn't up to doing it so Dan tried it alone. It made a mess of the bathroom and Isaac's haircut was very choppy. So tonight I had to do a quick clean-up buzz of my son's head.

My house is a mess and I have company coming over tomorrow morning at 10 am. And I'm going to bed now!

Love is...

2009-06-18T17:56:00.001-07:00

2 weeks old

2009-06-16T21:08:00.001-07:00

Brooke is 2 weeks old today.

She does a lot of this.
One of these days I'll get a picture of her with eyeballs showing!

Today she celebrated her 2 week mark by totally coating me with spit-up. Yesterday she had her 2 week checkup, and she's up to 7 lbs 10.5 oz. She's right in the middle for height and weight. She also hasn't shown any signs of colic, which has been a tremendous relief to me. Her nights are still inconsistent, one night being up all night and the next waking briefly just to eat and go back to sleep. But as long as she's not crying and screaming, I'm totally okay with that! I've heard people talk about their "easy" babies, and now I think I really understand. Part of me also feels like we've earned this. Is that so wrong?

Google Verb! A Meme.

2009-06-15T21:11:00.000-07:00

Allanna posted this on her blog and I thought it looked like fun...

1. Heather needs two therapists.
Yes, I believe that's true.

2. Heather looks like a drag-queen Michael Jackson impersonator.
One word: Ouch.

3. Heather says "Give beets a chance".
I don't even like beets.

4. Heather wants to kick Pamela Anderson's (butt).
No, not really.

5. Heather does it better.
Why, thank you!

6. Heather hates you.
That's just not true.

7. Heather asks "Did you cheat on me with Nancy?"
My husband's manager's name is Nancy... Hmmmm...

8. Heather likes cookies.
Yes, I do. I really do. And you couldn't tell that just by looking at me?

9. Heather eats almond butter.
Sounds delish, but since I have an almond allergy I don't see that happening.

10. Heather wears crown and sash.
Just call me Princess, folks!

11. Heather arrested on DUI charge.
Okay, that's just never, ever going to happen. Ever.

12. Heather loves poetry.
It's pretty cool. And this result was a ton better than the hundreds my google search originally pulled up by Heather Graham!

On my own

2009-06-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

Today Dan returned to work and I was on my own with the kiddos for the first time. A little scary, but we all survived. I like to make daily to-do lists so I can make sure I get the things done that I need/want to get done for the day. My list today was:

Dishes
Laundry
Brooke's 2 week doctor appointment
Thank you card for the woman who set up our celebration meal
Call the pharmacy
Make out a summer-fun calendar for Isaac

What I got done today:
One load of dishes
One load of laundry (colors)
Made it to the doctor's appointment
And the store

I was just so busy with mommy stuff that it was hard to get anything else done. I mean, even to brush Isaac's teeth or help him make his bed, I had to do it with one hand because I had to hold Brooke with my other arm or else she'd pitch a fit (she's a total snuggle-bug). Just putting the groceries away, I put her in her bouncy chair and put her in the kitchen with me while I put things away. One time today she was napping in her bassinet until Isaac accidentally crashed into it while spinning and woke her up. My whole day was like that, just busy and when I was getting things done it always seemed to be with one hand!

Because today I was on my own for about 12 hours, and I had to drive for the first time, I stopped taking my narcotic pain meds as of last night. I hurt. I also feel like my body is going through a bit of withdrawal after being on them for 2 weeks, since I've had a slight headache, nausea, and light-headedness. That tells me right there that it's time I stopped them, so today I've been using my prescription Ibuprofen and Excedrin. I'd rather be in some pain than get hooked on any meds.

Tomorrow will be my second day on my own. Will I get the whites washed? Will dishes get done? Will I be able to do any of it with both hands? Time will tell!

Doing it right

2009-06-14T07:08:00.000-07:00

How to be a good parent:

Like wet dog

2009-06-13T20:56:00.000-07:00

Today it was over 70 degrees and raining. My son had been in the backyard running through the sprinklers (fully clothed) while hubby weeded the veggie garden. When I let my offspring into the house and upstairs to get him dressed in something dry, I noticed an odor. My wet son reminded me of the smell of wet dog! Thank heavens little boys wash!

Last night was our first night sleeping upstairs in our bed since Brooke and I came home from the hospital. It was nice, even if I didn't spend a lot of time actually in bed. Brooke had me up from about 12am to 3am, but I don't mind since she wasn't crying/screaming the whole time. But it was still nice to be able to handle the stairs well enough to make it to the 3rd level where our bedroom is and be able to climb in and out of bed! It felt normal again. We're adjusting well with Brooke, and it's a huge relief and enjoyable to have a baby that doesn't cry all the time. I really don't mind being up with her in the middle of the night, since mostly she's just bright eyed and wants to snuggle. I spend a lot of time playing Myspace games during those wee hours!

Tomorrow is Dan's last day of vacation... I can't believe it's been 2 weeks already! I thought we'd drive each other nuts, but we've actually done really, really well and it's been nice having him home. In the past, when he's been home for shorter amounts of time we've driven each other crazy, but this time has really been nice! I'm sorry to see it end.

A celebration dinner

2009-06-12T20:37:00.000-07:00

Delicious dinner with "Mormon wine"

When we left the hospital last Friday (a week ago already?!), I saw a cart out in the hallway that had tiny sparkling cider bottles on it. As we passed by I asked the nurse about it, and it was a celebration dinner that all new mothers are supposed to receive after their baby is born. There was supposed to be something in my paperwork that mentioned it, but in my case there wasn't and none of the nurses mentioned it so I didn't know about it at all. I think the major problem was that I was on a liquid diet to begin with then put on quarantine for my rash, so fancy dinners were the least of anyone's concerns. I was really seriously sad that we had missed such a special treat. Later someone from the hospital called to find out how our hospital stay was, and Daniel happened to be the one who answered the phone. He mentioned to her about us missing the dinner and wondered if they could offer us a credit or gift certificate for their cafe as replacement. She said she'd get back to us. Sure enough she called the next day and they offered for us to come back and celebrate the special dinner, we just pick the day and time! I was so thrilled that they offered to do this! Also a little silly since we were so eager to go eat hospital food (but it's good hospital food, I swear!) So tonight we had our celebration dinner, complete with tiny bottles of sparkling cider. We dined on salad, grilled salmon, steamed veggies, orzo pasta for me and a baked potato for Dan, a dinner roll, and cheesecake topped with a drizzle of chocolate, a chocolate mint stick, a dollop of whipped cream, and a strawberry on the side. YUMMMM!

We brought chicken nuggets and juice for Isaac,
and he enjoyed sharing our cheesecake dessert!

Yesterday

2009-06-11T19:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Brooke's first doctor visit for her newborn checkup. She's already back to her birth weight! The doctor was very surprised and impressed. When we left the hospital on Friday she was 7 lbs 2 oz and yesterday morning she was back up to 7 lbs 6 oz. That was a relief for me to hear since I didn't think she was a very good eater, only taking in an ounce or an ounce and a half every few hours. She's healthy and looks great, and the doctor said she was a strong "whippersnapper". That cracked me up since the doctor isn't much older than us and he used the word whippersnapper. Her cord should fall off in the next week, and the dry skin she's shedding from being in my tummy will also go away soon. Next week we go for her 2 week checkup and I think that's when she'll get her first shots, poor babe.

Yesterday was also Isaac's last day of school! I can't believe summer vacation is here already. I've made a rough list of things we can do this summer, preferably free. I don't want us to be stuck indoors like lumps all summer. Once I'm all healed up I'd like to take the kids to the small park 2 blocks down and we could do picnic lunches there. We'll continue to take our Friday library trips. And we'll go to community events going on, and hopefully even a fair or two. I'm hoping to make this a fun and creative summer!

Brooke's first outing

2009-06-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

Today we took our first out-of-town trip since Brooke was born. She's 9 days old today. My grandparents hadn't been able to travel up here to meet Brooke, so we drove on down. We had a nice visit and everyone had some good cuddle time.

Brooke meets Grandma and Pappa

Brooke waves hello

Snuggle time with Grandma

So cozy

Brooke meets her cousin Bailey.
Bailey is thrilled to have her first girl cousin,
and the fact that someone else has a "B" name.

We finally took a picture of Isaac holding Brooke...

They're sharing snuggles and kisses...

You can tell how much Brooke already adores
her big brother by how much she watches him!

7 days old

2009-06-09T17:12:00.001-07:00

I have so many pictures of Daddy and son in this position after Isaac was born.

Brooke is 7 days old today. A week goes by so fast. Yesterday I saw my regular doctor because I was feeling so miserable and couldn't stop crying. Poor Isaac... When he'd say his prayers he kept asking mommy to feel better and to stop crying. I've been put back on to my old antidepressant for postpartum depression. I knew this was a strong possibility of happening and I'm grateful that she's been on the bottle already so there's no need to worry about transitioning there. Today is my second day on the medication and my first day with having no tears and already starting to feel that emotional heaviness beginning to lift.

Today was my appointment with my OB/GYN and everything looks good. I'll have to post later about Brooke's birth, but the incision looks good and the rash on my back is looking alot better. I still have a ton of swelling in my left foot but the doctor said that will go down in about another week as hormones and my milk and everything levels out. Weird, huh? I also asked her about my hot and cold flashes and that's another hormone thing. Instead of continuing on percocet I'm switching to vicodin in its place and still alternating that med with ibuprofen every 3 hours. I'm hoping within another week to be totally off the heavy meds.

Look at all that beautiful soft hair!

Brooke is doing well. I hate saying it because I'm afraid of jinxing it, but so far she's a happy little baby. She isn't quick to cry at all. When she wakes up she takes a little bit to open her eyes and look around and decide if she's hungry. If she's hungry she'll start to fuss a bit. She has to be really upset to really start crying and carrying on. It's been a huge blessing to have a baby with her temperament after the colic we had with Isaac. She could still develop colic, but so far we're off to a great start. She'll sleep between 2-4 hours and her usual feeding is 1 - 1.5 oz of formula. We'd like her to take in more but I'm not worried at this point. Her first doctor visit is tomorrow so we'll see what the doctor has to say. She's starting to have longer awake periods during the day, and last night instead of being up for 3 hours straight she would wake every 2 hours and eat and within 30 minutes be asleep again.

I think by next week I'll be feeling a ton better and Brooke will have a pretty predictable routine. Good thing too because next week Daniel returns back to work and I'll be on my own! That idea is a little scary but I know that by then my pain will be a little better and my moods leveled out, so I know I'll be okay.

5 days old

2009-06-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

I just took this picture of Brooke. We're doing well, just extremely tired. She seems to enjoy sleeping during the day and she's eating fairly well. The only thing is that she likes to be wide awake for about 3 hours straight, usually between the hours of 1am-5am. Isaac gets up for the day at 6am. The night before was horrible because I was up with her the whole 3 hours and she was crying and passing gas and lots of poop. Last night was much better and not nearly as many tears. Plus, Dan and I split up the 3 hour block so he did the first hour and a half and I did the second. We're going to take naps this afternoon and readjust our sleep around Brooke's schedule.

I think I'm healing well. Every day is a little better than the day before. I still have bad swelling in my left foot, but my doctor appointment is on Tuesday so I'll bring that up. The clogged milk duct I had since the afternoon Brooke was born is finally feeling better. I don't want mastitis again! My milk has also come in, which has been impressive. I'm hoping that's short-lived too. Having boulders in my bra isn't exactly comfortable! The baby blues has also hit so I'm trying to take care of myself.

I'll hope I get faster at typing with one hand!

Welcome Brooke!

2009-06-06T10:07:00.001-07:00

Brooke Raeanne was born June 2nd at 8:09am. She was 7 lbs 6 oz and 20.5 inches long. She's been a happy little girl so far and we hope she stays that way! I'm still very sore but every day is a little better than the day before. We came home yesterday afternoon and we're trying to start getting into our daily routine again. I want to post more pictures later.

14 hours to go

2009-06-01T16:51:00.001-07:00

Calla lily flowers from our neighbor

In about 14 hours our daughter will be here. Crazy. I've been cherishing rubbing my baby belly and feeling her kick and move. That's the thing I'll really miss a lot, being able to feel her move inside me. I won't miss the other stuff... My feet are so swollen that my toes look like little cocktail wieners.

The house is clean and ready. I've been going around finishing last minute chores thinking things like, "This is the last time I clip my toenails before Brooke is born". Tonight we'll sweep and vacuum again, one last time before Brooke is born. I told Daniel that the thing I want most of all, above all else, is that when I get home from the hospital that he has the house clean so I don't cry. Our definitions of clean are different, but I'd settle for a vacuumed floor and toys in an orderly pile.

I've been wanting to spend some special time with Isaac, but he's still not feeling well and just not that interested in reading stories with me. A few times he's curled up against me on the sofa and I've loved that. I really wanted some special time just him and I.

Wish me luck tomorrow. I'm nervous of the surgery, and of course the equally nerve-racking task of greeting endless family members. I hope we all manage to get some sleep tonight, and I'll post again when we're home from the hospital!

2 days to go & a funeral

2009-05-31T15:26:00.000-07:00

Last night Dan and I talked and went over Isaac's routine and the general routine of how I run the house. I had it printed out so it'll be easy to follow, and we had a good talk with minimal eyeball rolling.

This morning we woke up and found that one of Isaac's pet rats, Jerry, had died. She'd been sick for quite a while and we'd been praying that she'd pass quickly. It was horrible to see her so sick and we'd called around to see how much it would cost to put a rat down... One place charged $60 and every other place was $100! OUCH! That's just robbery. So we did the only thing we could do and just prayed that she'd go quickly. We had a nice little funeral in the backyard and Isaac placed a calla lily on top of the grave. The grave was actually dug in part of our compost pile, but it was still a nice little service fit for a rat.

Isaac has a difficult time understanding death and the separation of spirit from body... Over a year ago his pet Brown Rat had died after we'd had him for about 3 years. Isaac still talks about Brown Rat. We've been telling Isaac that now Brown Rat and Jerry are in heaven together and probably tickling Jesus with their whiskers. Poor kiddo. We still have Tom and Stinky Fish, and after they're gone I think it'll be a while before we do more pets. We'll see.

Cool photography

2009-05-31T09:56:00.001-07:00

This is the site of a friend of a friend who is an amateur photographer. He's pretty good! I really liked his landscapes and thought I'd share the love:

http://apertureview.org

3 days to go

2009-05-30T16:54:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of hubby's 2-week vacation time for Brooke's birth. Day 1 has gone well, and he's even been pretty good about helping me around the house. I hope by day 14 things will be going so well and there won't be bloodshed.

Dan's family tends to do things last minute, and 2 hours ago he received a phone call from one of his sisters that they were having a pizza get together at their parents' house which is happening as I type this. Dan wanted to go because #1) he loves his family and #2) he loves pizza. I've been lactose-intolerant with this pregnancy, especially to cheese, so pizza has been a no-go in our house the last 10 months. The problem is that his parents live an hour away, our son is sick, I'm uncomfortable and having contractions, and there are still some things I needed help with here... I told him that honestly I would like him to stay home with us, and he agreed. The man can drive me nuts sometimes, but other times I'm grateful for his sweet side.

Right now he's at the grocery store with my detailed list, and even though he's already called twice he's really been getting the hang of being the main grocery buyer. The plan tonight: going over what I'll need his help with after Brooke is born.

4 days to go & a sick kiddo

2009-05-29T14:56:00.000-07:00

A soft sofa with pillows, a hanky for the nose, and the remote. What more could a boy want?

Mommy has been wrong a time or two. It wasn't allergies, and our child is actually sick. Long story short, we've been up since almost 2am. This morning I was so tired and my feet so swollen that I asked Dan to take Isaac into the doctor for me since he didn't have to work until the later shift. To spare time, he took him to Urgent Care. From what I heard the office visit was rough and they couldn't even get a good look at Isaac, but figured from his symptoms that he has a sinus infection. He's been the king of ear infections until a couple of years ago, but he's never had a sinus infection! He's so miserable. He's had colds before, but it's been a long time since I've seen him like this. If he's not better by Sunday we've got to take him in to his regular doctor. The really sucky thing about a sick autistic child is that, at least in Isaac's case, he doesn't tell us where he hurts. It's very much like having a sick baby and you have to guess what's going on.

On my end, my body is so ready to have Brooke but still having irregular contractions. I figured if she came early it would be today, but doesn't look like it. Only 4 more days to go until I meet my daughter for the first time!

UPDATE: The nap was extremely short-lived (maybe 30 min tops?) but he seems to be feeling better. He pooped his underwear (yay for the poo, ugh that it wasn't in the potty). In spite of my heroic efforts, poo also got on the floor and on my foot, so to be on the safe side my pants are now in the laundry. And Isaac has done more talking to me the past 20 minutes than he has the entire day... I hope this means he's already starting to bounce back!

The best laugh all week

2009-05-29T10:26:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this blog and laughed till my belly hurt...

http://whenwelisten.blogspot.com/2009/05/didnt-see-that-coming.html

5 days to go & ready

2009-05-28T20:29:00.000-07:00

I've been busy doing a last thorough cleaning of the house. The only thing really left to do is straightening our bedroom to make room for the bassinet where Brooke will sleep her first couple of weeks.

Isaac's side of the room is done. Everything is set up as good as it's going to get, considering the kids have to share a room. I wanted Isaac to have a nice bedspread on his bed, but he's decided he wants to use his unzipped sleeping bag instead.

To make it easier on Isaac that he has to share his room with a girl now, we did his side of the room in Speed Racer. I colored and pasted all those pics into posters. Talk about aching fingers!

Brooke's side of the room. I'm impressed with what we've been able to squeeze into that small bedroom.

Brooke has Care Bears for her posters. And yes, that's the bassinet (temporarily) in the crib.

The dresser. That's a tight squeeze! Brooke's things on the left, Isaac's are on the right. The closet offers even less space, so I tried to squeeze whatever I could into the dresser. I turned those blue bins into shelves to hold Brooke's diapers and Isaac's pull-ups. The pink bouncy vibrator chair will be moved downstairs after Brooke is born. One of my sister-in-laws made the ISAAC frames, and I'm told she wanted to make one for Brooke too.

We have a bag ready to go for Isaac in case I go into labor early and he has to go to a friend's house. Everything is there except his ducky blanket. That's the extra car seat ready too in case I have to have someone drive me to the hospital if Dan's at work.

And the dinners. When Isaac was born we didn't have the luxury of being able to pre-make meals because we were in an apartment with no room for a large freezer. We were given this large freezer from an acquaintance of Dan's, and it fits perfect in our garage. I figure we've got at least 2 weeks worth of pre-made dinners here, more if Daniel eats more PB&J, plus a stock of soup broths and frozen veggies that can also cook up quick.

I think we're ready...

ASD makes me want to scream!

2009-05-28T12:36:00.000-07:00

Today is not a Happy Heart day.

My son is at school today, praise God. I think yesterday's "cold" was actually that hubby forgot to give Isaac his allergy medicine yesterday morning. I made sure he got it today and he's doing a lot better.

I hate autism. The very definition of autism is self-centeredness, because they have a hard time reaching outside of themselves and their own wants or how other people feel. I think I've managed to deal pretty well most days, and most days are pretty good. But there are days that are especially autistic, and you just want to scream, "What the hell?!"

Today is a "What the hell?!" kind of day.

My son:
Isaac hasn't pooped in 2 days. If he doesn't go today, that's day 3. Except I know he needs to. He makes the poop face and grabs his bottom, but when I ask if he needs to go he shakes his head no. When I sit him on the toilet anyway, he has a fit and doesn't go. So what this results in is a lot of poo-streaked underwear. I need to buy some more stain remover and bleach. It makes me so frustrated! Then because he's got poo in his crack, I've got to lay him down on the floor and haul my big butt and belly down there too and clean him up really good with wet wipes. Besides streaky underwear, it gives him a sore bottom. I need to put more diaper cream on my shopping list too. After two streak incidents today before noon time, I threatened that if he streaks his underwear one more time today that I'm going to leave him in those underwear. Will I actually do that? Probably not, because that's just gross. But do I want to do it? YES.

My husband:
Isaac had wanted cupcakes, so Dan and Isaac made cupcakes the other day. Then Isaac wanted to put frosting and sprinkles on them, so this morning before work Dan made frosting to go on them. He was busy in the kitchen for a while, then informed me that the rest of the frosting was in the fridge for the rest of the cupcakes. Instead of frosting all of them (there weren't even that many anyway), Daniel only frosted the ones he decided to take to work to eat himself.

Then later, after he left for work, I discovered that he had taken a large container of chili to work that was supposed to go in the big freezer for after Brooke is born. I've been trying to make meals for later, and I told Daniel about this and how I didn't mind if he took one serving of dinner leftovers for work the next day, but for his other meal breaks I needed him to do something like PB&J to make our dinner meals stretch further. I talked to him about it a couple of times and he seemed to be fine with it. Yesterday I made crock-pot chili. Isaac and I had some for dinner. Then I pulled aside 2 small containers for Daniel. One was for him to eat when he got home from work last night, and the other was for him to take to work with him today (because I'm just that nice). I stacked those on top of each other on the middle shelf of the fridge. The rest of the chili I put into large containers and put those on the bottom of the fridge to cool off before putting them out in the big freezer today. When Daniel got home last night I told him all of this, and he even ate one of the small containers of chili. So today after Daniel left for work, imagine my surprise to see the second small container still sitting there and one of the big containers gone. I was so pissed. I called him up and he said, "Oh, I thought you wanted me to have chili for all of my breaks". If you've ever heard that ASD people don't lie, it's not true. They do. And some are very good at it. Daniel does lie and he's very bad at it. He told me he'd try to remember tomorrow. I told him tomorrow he's not having chili so he'd just have to figure something else out. So we're down one dinner meal for our big freezer. Good thing mac-n-cheese is quick and Isaac likes it. I hope the chili gives Dan gas today.

The icing on the cake is that lately Dan has turned into a martyr when I've asked him to help me with things. Last night when he got home at 8:20pm I was on the sofa crying because I was in so much pain and Isaac was still not in bed yet. But when I ask Dan to do something that goes beyond what I normally ask him to do, there's a lot of drama and he turns irritable as if I'm asking him to donate an organ. So I've been busting my butt around here trying to get as much done myself before Brooke gets here, so later I don't have to ask as much of Dan. Today, as Daniel is leaving out the door for work he says with a chipper smile on his face, "Make me a honey-do list!" Fat chance in hell, buddy. I told him flat out that I've been trying to get as much done myself because later I'm going to need him to do it all for me for a while. That wiped the smile off his face.

Lesson learned: Trying to be the considerate wife can turn around and bite me in the butt.

Pregnancy weight gain

2009-05-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

Just as my doctor said, I totally get a gold star! I've gained 19 lbs this pregnancy, which I've managed to accomplish by eating cereal or fruit when I'm hungry (and I mean hungry, and ignoring the munchies).

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090528/ap_on_he_me/us_med_pregnancy_weight

Many women add too many pounds during pregnancy

By LAURAN NEERGAARD, AP Medical Writer Lauran Neergaard, Ap Medical Writer

WASHINGTON – Eating for two? New guidelines are setting how much weight women should gain during pregnancy — surprisingly little if they're already overweight or obese when they conceive.

The most important message: Get to a healthy weight before you conceive, say the Institute of Medicine's guidelines, the first national recommendations on pregnancy weight since 1990. It's healthiest for the mother — less chance of pregnancy-related high blood pressure or diabetes, or the need for a C-section — and it's best for the baby, too. Babies born to overweight mothers have a greater risk of premature birth and becoming overweight themselves, among other concerns.

That's a tall order, considering that about 55 percent of women of childbearing age are overweight and preconception care isn't that common.

Once a woman's pregnant, the guidelines issued Thursday aren't too different from what obstetricians already recommend — but they're not easy, considering about half of women fail to follow them today.

Among the advice:

_A normal-weight woman, as measured by BMI or body mass index, should gain between 25 and 35 pounds during pregnancy. A normal BMI, a measure of weight for height, is between 18.5 and 24.9.

_An overweight woman — BMI 25 to 29.9 — should gain 15 to 25 pounds during pregnancy.

_An obese woman — BMI of 30 or higher — should gain 11 to 20 pounds. This marks the first recommendation ever set for women so heavy.

_An underweight woman — BMI less than 18.5 — should gain 28 to 40 pounds.

What if a mom-to-be has already gained too much? On average, overweight and obese women already are gaining five more pounds than the upper limit.

But pregnancy is not a time to lose weight, stressed guidelines co-author Dr. Anna Maria Siega-Riz of the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill.

"It's not, 'Hey you gained enough, now you need to stop,'" Siega-Riz said. "Let's take stock of where you're at and start gaining correctly."

Indeed, the guidelines lay out that in the second and third trimesters, underweight and normal-weight mothers should be putting on a pound a week for proper fetal growth. The overweight and obese need about half a pound a week.

Hopping on the scale during prenatal checkups makes for a sensitive moment, especially in a culture that cherishes the ice cream-and-pickles stereotype.

Implementing the guidelines may take a move "to change the whole culture about pregnancy" and eating, Siega-Riz said. She noted that in studies of the overweight, "most of these women will tell you that they've never been told how much weight to gain" during pregnancy.

6 days to go

2009-05-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

The countdown has begun.

I had my doctor appointment this morning and I'm only 1 cm dilated. I could still go into labor before Tuesday, but it's looking like the chances are small. Which, as much as I want this baby out of me, I think I prefer to wait until Tuesday so that my doctor can do the c-section and not someone I've never seen before. Because of my fast labor with Isaac, she said if I do start having those strong contractions really close together to call straight to the hospital and don't bother calling the office again. I was relieved that she didn't think I should wait an hour and a half either!

I've also got a sick kiddo home. I think it's just a bad allergy day for him, but he's acting so miserable that I decided to keep him home from school rather than taking him in and them likely calling me to come pick him up again. The poor child's nose has been through so much lately!

The other week Isaac's teacher gave us an adorable dress for Brooke, and yesterday when we showed up at school there were 2 more bags from a couple of the teacher's aids! It's so sweet of them to do that, especially with it being so unexpected! The super amazing thing? Of all the gifts we've been given, not a single one has been a duplicate!!!

7 days to go & false labor

2009-05-26T10:04:00.000-07:00

By this time next Tuesday we'll be a family of 4, can you believe it? There's just 7 days left to go, and less if Brooke decides to come early.

Last night I had false labor. I felt like an idiot for calling the doctor, but I never had false labor with Isaac so I figured better safe than sorry. The contractions were 5 minutes apart for an hour, but they were just uncomfortable and not painful so I knew I wasn't in true labor but also knew that it could progress to true labor during the night. Fortunately it didn't because there were things I still wanted to do, like plucking my eyebrows and ironing Brooke's going home outfit. Last night Dan got fidgety and asked if I wanted him to get the suitcase out to start packing (something I planned to do this Wednesday). I told him no I didn't think we needed it, so he ran upstairs and got it out. I forgot I married an Eagle Scout... Always be prepared! I went ahead and packed a few things so it helped put both our minds at ease a bit, and when it's really time (even if that's the day of the c-section) I'll just grab the rest of the things. I'll put a backpack of things together for Isaac too in case he has to go to a friend's house if I go into labor early.

I've had a lot on my mind.

I'm scared. I'm tired of people asking me if I'm "excited" for Brooke to be here. Call me a terrible mother, but I'm not excited. I'm scared. I've had one child so far, and there was nothing pleasant or exciting about the pregnancy, the delivery, or the first 3 months of screaming colic. That's an entire 12 months of fear and pain and misery (okay, the pain was actually about 4 years). With that kind of track record, why would I be excited? Of course no one knows the details of Isaac's birth so they don't mean to offend when they ask me that. I never told anyone about my experience until I posted it here on my blog and even then I'm sure very few people, if anyone, has read it all. It just helped for me to get it out and in a sense wipe the slate clean to prepare for Brooke's birth.

After Isaac was born I thought I wouldn't have any more children. And if I did, they would be a surprise and they would come by c-section since I couldn't put my body through that again. Brooke was a surprise and she's coming by c-section. The surgery scares me. Aside from the fear of pain, I'm terrified because they're going to have my arms strapped down so I don't reflex and grab at my stomach. The idea of being strapped down scares me. The complications from surgery scares me. My weight gain has been perfect with this pregnancy, but I'm still horribly overweight and I'm scared about what complications that will bring to the surgery. Will I have bladder infection problems like a woman I knew who had c-sections with her 2 kids? Or will everything go smoothly like it did for my sister's 2 kids? I trust my doctor and I know that she's the kind of doctor who would tell me if a c-section was a bad idea and that's never ever been an issue with her. They have my medical history and records. What if I go into labor early, then I'd have another doctor I've never met before doing the surgery... Could I trust him or her? What it comes down to is what I'm most afraid of: a repeat of what I went through with Isaac with a vaginal delivery or a c-section. After the injuries I had after Isaac's birth and his medical problems, I always believed Isaac should have been a c-section baby, so then Brooke being a c-section baby would be a no-brainer. VBACS aren't done here and even if they were I wouldn't do it because the risks are too great.

I hate that these decisions are all done with the basis of fear. I pray so hard. I pray that the surgery will go smoothly. I pray that I will be comforted. I pray that Brooke will not have colic or autism. I pray so hard for a neurotypical child and to have the experience of that. If Brooke has autism then I think she'll be our last, because I can't imagine going through the pain and grief and therapies that we went through with Isaac again. If Brooke is NT, then just maybe I'll have the normal experience most other pregnant women have with their delivery and newborn and it will be exciting and a joy and open my mind and heart up for having more kids down the road. I want so badly to enjoy the experience and to enjoy my newborn.

If things don't go the ideal way I'd like them to, I still tell myself it'll be okay. I've been there and done that before. I can get through it again.

But I don't want to.

What I want in a man...

2009-05-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

My Grandma shared this with me:

Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I 'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

The SURPRISE baby shower

2009-05-25T11:21:00.000-07:00

As I've told my family before, Brooke has given me total pregnancy brain, so I haven't exactly been the sharpest crayon in the box. I'm usually pretty sharp (I like to think) and I normally pick up on things pretty quickly. I don't remember having pregnancy brain this bad with Isaac, but then when I was pregnant with Isaac I didn't have Isaac to care for either while I was pregnant!

My sister flew out from Nebraska for the weekend. She arrived on Thursday, but because of Isaac's school and my unwillingness to leave the house, we wouldn't be able to get together until Saturday. Originally my mom and sister wanted to take me out to lunch, but I told them I just wasn't up to it so I asked for them to come to my house. They said that would be fine, and my sister would bring her make-up stuff and pamper me a bit and my mom wanted to take Isaac and Krista's young son, Logan, for a walk around the neighborhood.

They arrived and I fed Isaac lunch and Logan munched on an apple. Then my mom loaded the boys up and left and Krista attacked me with makeup brushes. She and my mom use this really cool makeup called Sheer Cover... It's awesome stuff, really! A short while later we got a phone call from my mom, and she said that she had taken the boys down to a flower shop and then around down another street and she didn't see the crack in the sidewalk and rolled her ankle (she's got weak ankles) and needed us to come pick them up. I asked if Krista could just go and get her and my mom said no, that Krista is terrible with directions and it would be best if I came too. Ugh, fine. She gave me the name of the cross street she was on, and I wondered to myself what in the world she was doing way over there because that sounded like the street my VT companion, Illa, lives on. So we quickly fixed our makeup and left the house.

I turned onto the street that Illa lives on, and my sister was on the phone with my mom and my mom said there was this nice lady that came out and took her and the boys in the backyard in the shade. I asked Krista to ask my mom if the lady's name was Illa. It was. I rolled my eyes, because that was incredible that my mom happened to roll her ankle in front of Illa's house! We got out of the van and Krista rushed ahead into the backyard. I waddled behind and as I entered the backyard I saw a big table set up with a cake on it (I didn't pay attention to the cake decorations). Well, that's just great. Not only has my mother rolled her ankle but she's also managed to crash Illa's party! I walk around the corner and there are some friends from church, my female family members, and two of my good friends that I haven't seen in forever!!!! It still took me a minute to grasp what was going on, and I was so shocked! Shocked that they had managed to pull this over on me, shocked that somehow my mom and sister who live far from us had somehow managed to contact my friends and ward friends, and just so surprised because I've never had a surprise party before! At that moment I was grateful that for my sister's visit I was dressed decently because I certainly wasn't expecting to be out and about that day!

We had a great time and played some fun games. We received some ADORABLE baby clothes and blankets and things. We even got a baby gate which I was thrilled about since we have steep stairs here at our place! My Grandma is a fantastic cook and she made a huge delicious cake with a lemon creme filling (I think Grandma said the creme filling was a 100 year old recipe, so it was the real thing and not that nasty fake stuff). Isaac and Logan played well together, and Isaac was a great helper handing out the game award gifts and helping the ladies and me unwrap everything.

The only horrifying part was at the end when my mom said that a little fly had been on the bedroom wall the night Brooke was conceived, and these were the things it heard. I hadn't realized my cousin had been recording everything I had said about the gifts as I had opened them, so according to this little story the fly heard things like, "Ooooh, it's so cute and soft!" and "It even has a cute little bow on it!" I have a warped sense of humor just like the rest of my family so normally this would have had me doubled over laughing, but I had ladies from church there so part of me was laughing and part of me was so embarrassed that I was laughing at something so vulgar! We had a good time though.

The biggest shock of all was that Daniel knew about this surprise party! He's the world's worst secret keeper and somehow he managed to keep this from me!!! He was working so later when I talked to him on the phone he asked me if I'd taken any pictures. I said no, because I thought I was just going to pick up my handicapped mother! My family took pics though, so I'll have to have them send me some.

Slumber party

2009-05-25T11:13:00.001-07:00

A few days ago:
We would love to go camping as a family, so Dan had a great idea for Isaac to get used to sleeping out of his bed and in his sleeping bag they would have a slumber party in the living room. Here they are at 8:00pm...

And here they are at 10:00pm. They both zonked out fast, I couldn't believe it! I was afraid Isaac would wake up during the night and want to go back to bed, but they both made it through the night and Isaac said he had a great time! The next step: Camping in the backyard in the tent!

House for sale!

2009-05-24T15:05:00.000-07:00

http://www.windermere.com/index.cfm?FUSEACTION=Listing.photos&CUSTOMTOURID=257479

My dad's house is for sale in Boise, Idaho. Any takers?

Isaac's Story, Part 4 of 4

2009-05-22T13:34:00.001-07:00

This post contains material which may be objectionable to some readers.

When Isaac was about 6 months old, a woman at church who worked for Early Intervention (EI) noticed some things about Isaac. He wasn’t making eye contact with anyone who held him, and he had poor muscle tone throughout his body. We brought these concerns up to our doctor, but she just waved our concerns aside and said Isaac must be a late bloomer. Even when Isaac never tried to hold his bottle (there’s that muscle tone thing again, being able to lift and hold his arms up), never tried to put anything in his mouth, and he never babbled, and other milestones he was missing, the doctor still didn’t take us seriously. Her motto was to just keep waiting. We were, however, referred up to Portland.

At 6 months Isaac had his first trip to Doernbecher’s to receive testing for any genetic disorders that might explain his delays. It was the Christmas season and Santa happened to be there visiting the children. Isaac was able to sit on Santa’s lap for the first time, and even received a blanket, the same ducky blanket that has been his favorite and is still on his bed today. Fortunately the tests that Doernbecher’s did showed no genetic causes for Isaac’s delays.

With help from the woman at church and also from the “cocoon nurse” who would stop by our home occasionally, we eventually began services with Early Intervention. The cocoon nurse would come and give me advice about Isaac’s poor suck and chew reflexes, as well as his poor muscle tone. We had EI teachers come into our home numerous times to do tests and to help give advice and suggestions, such as helping to strengthen his torso to help him sit upright, and arms to help him crawl. These are the people who introduced us to baby American Sign Language, since Isaac didn’t yet babble. For a very short time he blew raspberries, but that was it.

I was at first skeptical about baby ASL. I couldn’t see how an infant could grasp something like that. But because I had always wanted to learn ASL, and we were desperate for our son to start communicating with us, we began teaching Isaac a few basic signs using an amazing book. The very first ASL sign Isaac learned was “cookie”, and that’s when I realized he just needed to be properly motivated and he could do this!

Isaac at age 9 months

At about age 9 months Isaac had his first hospital stay. He was extremely dehydrated with diarrhea and vomiting, and after 3 consecutive days of going to the doctor they finally admitted him. He was in the hospital also for about 3 days. It was so rough for Isaac, and frightening for me. The doctor was surprised at how much fluid Isaac needed, because the he hadn’t even realized just how sick Isaac was. It was the week from hell, and I fell behind in my studies and eventually had to retake some classes, but it was a relief to have a healthy child again.

At age 11 months Isaac was totally immersed in the Early Intervention system. In addition to home visits, we also went to the EI school once a week for about an hour. While there we were able to work with physical, occupational, and speech therapists. They worked with building core muscle strength to try to help Isaac begin walking. They did sensory activities such as using cool whip or shaving cream on mirrors, and exposing the kids to different textures. Even with all this, I still felt we were missing something and that these class times seemed mostly open play time instead of structured therapy. I knew they were understaffed and budgets were constantly being cut, and I believe that played a large role in the quality of therapy Isaac received. I was especially frustrated with the speech therapist services. That mainly involved them giving me a handout of beginning sounds to work with Isaac on. What in the world did they think we had been doing?! They weren’t telling me anything different from what we were already doing and trying at home. They did recommend a large mirror to use with Isaac when working with sounds, but he showed little interest in it.

I continued to make trips to OHSU for check-ups and to see how my recovery was progressing. I still experienced pain, especially when sitting on hard surfaces like the floor, but I had made improvement. I had chosen a different doctor from Kate to deal with my medication, and I had also chosen a counselor. I went through LDS services for the counseling, because of the nature of what I was going through I wanted to talk to someone who understood my basic beliefs and religious background. It was a slow process but I started to do much better. I had been losing weight after joining Weight Watchers. The counseling helped me to start working through things, and after a time I felt I didn’t need it anymore. The biggest improvement I made was just before Isaac’s first birthday, thanks to the medical care I had received at OHSU, Daniel and I were able to be intimate again for the first time since Isaac’s birth. I was so happy I cried. There are rare times in life when you feel such pure joy, and that was one of those times for me.

Isaac's 1st Birthday

Isaac celebrated his first birthday. We had it at the big park with family and friends. Isaac was still having chewing issues and didn’t dig into his food like other tots his age. My in-law siblings took it upon themselves to smear my son with his chocolate cake. The entire mess wasn’t Isaac’s doing, but the work of my husband’s adult siblings.

In Boise: Me with Isaac, Dad and Patti

Soon we went on our first plane ride as a family out to Boise to visit my dad and stepmom. Every night, all night, Isaac cried and fussed. This was the beginning of a pattern where Isaac showed a rigidness that he couldn’t sleep anywhere other than at home in his bed.

He's walking!!!!!

We continued the work with EI. Isaac took his first steps at about 14 months! I remember we were at home in the kitchen, and he was showing an interest in the garbage can. I moved it out of the way, he pulled himself up and toddled to the garbage can! It was an exciting day. He also made more progress with his ASL, slowly adding more signs. He had had two hearing tests up to this point, one came back fine and the other inconclusive.

The first haircut

Isaac had his first haircut at about age 18 months. We took him into the local hair salon and I sat him on my lap. He cried and screamed the entire time, and we were told if we couldn’t calm our child they would ask us to leave. At that time we didn’t know he had autism, so I was just offended because what was I supposed to do? That was the last time we ever took him into any salon of any kind for a haircut. This was the beginning of us realizing he had sensory issues with haircuts. I ended up doing haircuts at home (we used the term “hair trims” so it doesn’t sound as scary), and when he was little I’d strap him into his high chair and I’d have to use scissors and give him a very rough haircut. As he got older I needed Daniel’s help to hold him and restrain him. By the age of 2 it was so bad that one time I nipped him with the scissors and decided at that point we were going with the buzzers. I had been avoiding the buzzers because of the noise, and I was afraid that if the scissors freaked him out how he would react to buzzers going over his whole head. But it went much faster than the scissors, looked much better, and by doing the haircuts in the living room with a movie going we were able to endure the screaming better.

As Isaac was becoming more mobile, we noticed he was displaying strange behaviors. He would bang his head on the bathroom shower door and on the living room walls. Sometimes even the floor. In the car if he had a meltdown he’d throw himself forward and then back really hard, slamming his head against the back of his car seat. He was sensitive to textures, such as he couldn’t stand the feel of sand and we could not get him to wear denim without screaming. Overalls of any material, anything that went over his shoulders like that, was also out. He couldn’t stand anything sticky touching his skin, or even dirt on his skin or clothes. Our doctor continued to brush our concerns aside. On one hand I understand that doctors don’t want to misdiagnose at a young age, but on the other hand our son had a long history of delays and it would have been nice if she had even suggested that autism might be a possibility. My mom was a lifesaver and would come about once a week to pick Isaac up to play at her house. This gave me a break from his screaming and meltdown fits, and allowed me to work on my studies.

Soon before Isaac’s 2^nd birthday we moved from Salem to Corvallis to save on Daniel’s commuting cost. I cried and cried. Salem was where all our friends and family were. I needed that support while going through these struggles with Isaac. To make matters worse, the cost of living was higher in Corvallis so we were moving from our cute apartment to an eyesore apartment. I did not want to move. With help from the cocoon nurse she gave me the name of a fantastic pediatrician she knew in Corvallis who she said would listen to our concerns about Isaac. The move to Corvallis turned out to be a huge blessing. We moved and turned that ugly place into a home. We immediately got Isaac involved in EI in Corvallis.

After Isaac’s second birthday he still wasn’t talking.

Another thing about Isaac is that he’s never really cried. Tears come out, but it was while he was having a screaming meltdown. As he’s gotten older rather than crying, the tears come out and he rubs them off really hard, and his eyes get real big and he opens and closes his mouth really big, so you can tell he’s obviously really upset about something. But he never really cries. It’s heartbreaking. We also found that he had a difficult time regulating his emotions. He might start out laughing, but it would quickly lead to a screaming meltdown. Other things that caused meltdowns were going to a new store. Or even a high-stimuli store like Jo-Ann’s Fabric store was a guaranteed place for a meltdown.

Our Corvallis pediatrician did listen to us, and I can’t even express the relief we felt to finally have someone who took our concerns seriously. The doctor ordered a brain scan to make sure there wasn’t something going on there that the tests at Doernbecher’s had missed. Those tests came back normal also.

We decided to take our first camping trip when Isaac was two. We were so excited! We drove out to a great place that was a couple hours drive away. We had a great day and set up camp and had just a great time. We even saw Sea Lion Caves, which was a pricey special treat. Things were great until it was bedtime. Again we had the issue of Isaac screaming (now we know because he wasn’t in his room in his bed). It was terrible. We were disturbing other campers around us, and it was just miserable because the screaming wouldn’t stop. Finally it was late and we packed up camp in the dark using our flashlights, and headed for home. We got home in the wee hours of the morning. Since then we have not had Isaac spending any nights other than at home in his bed. It would be so nice to be able to go camping, but the idea of repeating that episode is so terrible that we just haven’t been able to bring ourselves to try it again.

One day at EI I asked them to do an evaluation on Isaac for autism. The teacher was skeptical, but they went ahead with the evaluation which included their autism expert. Even though I suspected it, when they told me Isaac did fit on the autism spectrum it was like a blow. This educational diagnosis, the diagnosis that determines the kind of aid he gets in the school system, began to open doors.

Isaac at age 2 1/2

Our pediatrician referred us to CDRC in Eugene since it was closer to us now than Doernbecher’s was in Portland. Isaac was 2 ½ when we finally had the appointment. It was nearly an all-day event with every specialist you could imagine, and he even had a third hearing test. When it was over, we had the medical diagnosis of PDD-NOS which is on the autism spectrum. It’s fancy talk for meaning that he wasn’t as severe as a straight autism diagnosis on the spectrum, but he was more severe than Asperger’s. This medical diagnosis opened doors for us for the kind of medical therapy Isaac could receive and was also a boost to the educational diagnosis since the medical diagnosis holds more weight. The people there were great, but it was hard to see my son scream when the doctor tried to touch him or not respond when another therapist tried to interact with him. But the whole meeting was very politically correct, using all the PC terms. Later we received the print out of the paperwork in the mail. As I was reading through it, I saw they used the term “mental retardation”. It was like ice went through my veins. I was devastated. When I stopped crying, I called CDRC and asked them about it and why we hadn’t been told about this when we were there. They apologized for not telling us, and their excuse was that they rarely use that term anymore, since the PC term is now “cognitive delays”. I had heard that many times, but to be told my child may have mental retardation was such a low blow. I’m sure part of it is the stigma around the term “retarded” and all the ideas that word brings up.

Everyone handles trials differently. For me, I experienced extreme grief over this diagnosis, the autism and the “cognitive delays”. It was the death of a dream and hope of a normal child, going through the normal experiences of life. It was real true grief. Nothing had been easy since the day I conceived, and now we knew there would be no end to the trials we would continue to endure. As terrible as it sounds, I felt that parents who had lost a child had it easier than I did. With them, they had closure. For me, I would never have closure. I grieved painfully, but I still had a child I had to care for every single day. It was unfair. I was very angry at God. I didn’t understand why this was happening to me, to us.

My depression came back horribly. I had been off of the antidepressant medication for about a year, and now I had to go back on them, but using a stronger medication. I gained weight… all that I had lost plus more. I began seeing a counselor again. She felt I needed to talk to their psychologist, so I was put on the waiting list. When I finally saw her, we went over my history, especially all that had happened since my pregnancy. I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), both from the trauma from Isaac’s birth. Every single day since Isaac was born, when he sleeps I go in and check to make sure he’s still breathing. I still do this. I check on him before going to bed at night and if or when I’m up during the night I also check on him. Physically, I still experienced pain and discomfort down there. I was put on a medication that really did help and it was recommended that I continue counseling. Soon after that though, I received a bill in the mail of all my counseling appointments to that point and the balance I owed after insurance. The balance was in the hundreds and hundreds of dollars (nearly to $1000)! I had to stop counseling because I couldn’t afford it. I had finally found the help I needed and that was working, and I couldn’t continue. I was fortunate that the medication I was put on was affordable, and I was able to continue it.

Isaac did well in EI, but school breaks were extremely difficult. When he was 3 and EI started up again in the fall, he was able to attend teacher Bryan’s class. His class was a structured class for autistic children, and I had heard only fantastic praises from other parents who had had children in his class.

We also started private speech, physical, and occupational therapy. We did speech therapy since Isaac still wasn’t talking. We did physical therapy to build strength in his muscles, to help him walk without wobbling and to run without falling or having his legs kick out to the side as he ran. The occupational therapy was to help with sensory issues, and we mainly did this using a brushing technique and deep compression. This method was intensive, since we had to repeat it every 2 hours. But when I did it in the midst of one of Isaac’s meltdowns, and it calmed him down, the time was worth it. All the therapies were extremely overwhelming and taxing for me at times, and one time I embarrassed myself by breaking down and crying in front of the occupational therapist. Small (or to us, big) steps in progress kept us going, like the day Isaac finally wore denim was a big deal.

We tried Isaac on a gluten-free casein-free diet, hoping it would help reduce his violent outbursts against himself and also us. Not only was it an extremely expensive diet, but Isaac also became very ill while on it, missing weeks of school. I talked to his occupational therapist about it since she was familiar with the diet, and she said Isaac may have a vitamin deficiency and that’s why he became so sick on the diet. The only way to tell was for Isaac’s doctor to do tests, but I didn’t want them sticking my son with needles for no good reason. So we simply pulled Isaac off the GFCF diet.

Isaac blossomed in teacher Bryan’s class. He had learned over 100 ASL signs, so I had made a binder with all his signs in it for the teachers. Each time Isaac learned a new sign I would bring it in to the teachers to add to his ASL binder. That fall we also moved to our current residence. By that time we had been introduced to the wonderful inventions of social stories and PECS cards, so Isaac handled the transition much smoother than if we had not used them.

Summer came and so the EI classes ended, but we continued his private therapies. Isaac continued to have chewing and swallowing problems, such as choking on water and not properly chewing his food or cramming his mouth which caused choking hazards. In hindsight I could see that this was an issue we’ve had since his birth. We saw another occupational therapist at the clinic and began feeding therapy. I would pack Isaac’s lunch and he would eat there. The OT used a mirror so Isaac could see himself chew and see himself mimic the OT’s mouth movements. She also used small foam pads on sticks and Isaac had to do tongue and mouth exercises. These also helped with the sensory issue that was causing him to cram food in his mouth when he wasn’t aware of what was in there to begin with. By the end of the summer, not only was he chewing and swallowing better but he also began to talk! He had been 3 when he said “Momma” for the first time, but there is no sweeter thing in the world than to hear your 4 year old say “I love you” (or something close to it) for the first time!

That first day back to school he absolutely floored all the teachers and therapists. The school’s OT was speechless! I was so proud it was hard not to cry when they expressed their pleasure and surprise at Isaac’s speech. The OT told me he was like a different child (and he should, since having speech allowed him to communicate his wants and needs, so less meltdowns). The ST told me Isaac was like a poster child for the EI program. He had achieved what everyone there works so hard to help every child achieve. She asked what happened to cause the speech, and I told her about the feeding therapy. She was surprised and told us that studies had shown no relation between feeding therapy and speech. I told her that in our case that’s what it was.

Daniel and I had both graduated by this time, which was fortunate since Isaac’s therapies consumed so much of my time. Between EI and private therapies, I was spending about 3 hours every day driving to and from appointments.

I give more of the credit for Isaac’s progress to the EI teachers and the private therapists. Of course I continued the work at home, and kept Daniel up-to-date, but without those people I know Isaac’s progress would have taken an entirely different path.

In June 2008 Isaac graduated from the EI program. Since he was turning 5 that summer, it was time to enter the public school system as a kindergartener. Isaac has done great in his class! It’s a structured class so many of the kids are older, up to 2^nd grade. It’s been wonderful having the teachers helping with the big potty training issue. It’s also been wonderful for Isaac to be around his peers, and having them use the potty has been an incentive for him to also. He’s been doing great in his speech therapy class at school, and all the teachers adore him. His speech still isn’t always clear, and I often have to translate for Daniel and other family members, but the progress he’s made has been incredible. He has basically forgotten his ASL signs, but he still enjoys counting and doing the alphabet in ASL. His meltdowns are rare, and usually there’s a trigger for them that’s easy to identify like something happening at school or Isaac and Daniel butting heads. He hasn’t hit himself in the head in quite a while now. He was chewing on his wrists for a time, but that nervous habit stopped and now when he’s nervous he scrapes his fingers (lightly) across his head. He also still spins and shakes his head, and at times toe walks, but I usually allow these behaviors since he’s not harming anyone.

We don’t know what the future holds, but I expect it to be great things. This summer we’ll be working on spitting. Isaac doesn’t know how to spit, even to brush his teeth, so he’s still using toddler training toothpaste. With the warm weather this summer I plan to spend some time outside each day having him practice spitting. I hope with that added skill of control over his mouth and tongue that his speech will continue to improve, and for next year they’re talking about putting him in a mainstream first grade reading class.

For my health, having Isaac make such drastic improvements has improved my health and well being. The injuries I received at Isaac’s birth got better, but never 100% healed. Sitting on the floor was painful until Isaac was about 4 years old, and after that I felt occasional discomfort or pain at times, especially when Mother Nature made her monthly visit. I never pursued a lawsuit against the doctors or hospital. I think people who are sue-happy are the lowest of the low, and since we had great insurance that covered most of the medical expenses I didn’t see the need. Besides, no amount of money in the bank was going to make what happened, un-happen.

The damage was done and the important thing has been learning to endure and then move on with life.

Isaac, 2009

Isaac's Story, Part 3 of 4

2009-05-22T12:50:00.000-07:00

This post contains material which may be objectionable to some readers.

The day after we came home from the hospital was the 4^th of July. Daniel had wanted to see the fireworks, but I was still healing and exhausted so we stayed home. The apartment we lived in was by a large park by the river, and we were fortunate that there was a firework display going on down there, so we were able to see some fireworks above the trees from our dining room window. I watched a couple go off and went to bed while Dan stayed up to watch a little longer.

Daniel quickly returned to work and I was left home with our newborn. I was terrified. It also became difficult because Isaac developed colic. He would scream all day and pass out at night, only allowing me to wake him long enough to eat. Under the doctor’s orders I was to wake Isaac up every two hours to eat. I was still trying to nurse him, and had been given some of the nursing tools from the hospital as well as a borrowed pump.

The nighttime feeding routine went something like this: I would set my alarm to go off every 2 hours. I would get up. We had Isaac in a bassinet in our room, so I’d wheel him into his nursery where my rocker was set up. I would have to continually tickle and rub the bottom of his feet to try to keep him awake long enough to eat. I would attempt to nurse him, always having to end with a bottle of pumped milk or formula. I would make sure he was in a clean diaper and then put him back in our room. Then I would use the breast pump. By the time I was able to crawl back into bed, I had about 20 minutes left to sleep before I had to wake up and repeat the whole process.

I was exhausted, and I mean real, true exhaustion of the body and mind. I also cried all the time. I felt like a failure as a mother and a woman that I couldn’t nurse my son. One evening my mom stopped by, and I was in the nursery sitting in my rocker crying. My mom came and sat down on the floor and talked to me. At some point in our conversation I apologized to her for every terrible and difficult thing I had ever put her through. I didn’t know motherhood was going to be so hard. By the end of our conversation I also knew I needed to talk to my doctor.

When Isaac was a week and a half old, I had my appointment with Kate. Two things happened at that time.

First, I had told her how I was still extremely sore, and when she examined me she found that not all of my bag of waters (amniotic sac) had come out at Isaac’s birth. Using a tool, she reached in and peeled off the pieces she could see. It hurt so bad. She then set up an appointment for me to have an ultrasound to make sure all the pieces were gone.

The second thing was I described to her how I was feeling and the extreme exhaustion I had. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and put on a medication. This meant I had to stop nursing Isaac, but I had to do this for my health. While the medicine was kicking in, I was directed to have someone help me with Isaac for the first week or two. Kate also directed me to get a full night’s sleep, meaning that Daniel would be in charge of feedings and changes for that night. When we left I felt better knowing we were taking actions to try to make things better.

That night Daniel did all the feedings and changes, but I still woke up every time Isaac cried and I often had to push Daniel awake so he could get up with him. After one middle-of-the-night feeding Dan came stumbling back to bed and said the sweetest words a husband can ever say to his wife: “Heather, I don’t know how you do it”. He doesn’t remember saying that, but I hold those words close to my heart.

The ladies at church were wonderful and had been bringing meals over, and now they began allowing me to spend a few hours in their homes while I received help with Isaac and I rested. It was an embarrassing situation for me, but I did it because I knew I needed the help and most of the women were very nice and understanding. Only one of the women told me I shouldn’t go on medication. She believed no one needed to be on medication, and that I would be fine with herbal supplements. She also told me my doctor’s orders to wake Isaac every two hours to eat was ridiculous because her two teenage children had always let her know when they needed to eat. She didn’t know our medical history or needs. She and I both worked in the Young Women’s program, she as a teacher and me in the Presidency, and she expressed frustration to me about when I was going to be returning to church. I had a difficult time being with this Sister, but I tried to suck it up because she was the most available to help me and I needed that help.

Eventually the medication kicked in and I found that I felt a little better. With Isaac being bottle fed, I was able to get a little more sleep and this also allowed him to receive more nutrition because he continued to have poor sucking reflexes and by using a bottle he didn’t have to work as hard to eat.

About this time I developed mastitis and had to be put on an antibiotic. I never imagined that kind of pain before. I also had my ultrasound appointment. Since this wasn’t an average ultrasound, this one had to be done vaginally. Daniel and Isaac were with me, and they also had a female nurse in the room as well. It hurt so bad because I still wasn’t healed. Mercifully it was a fairly quick procedure and we found that no more pieces of the sac remained behind, to my eternal relief. The idea of undergoing surgery was extremely unpleasant to me.

We took Isaac to the same doctor my sister had taken my niece to. She was good enough in the beginning. Isaac was circumcised there at the doctor’s office. I chose not to be in the same room because I couldn’t bear to hear my baby’s cries. At two weeks old Isaac developed a red birth mark on the middle of his bottom lip. I thought it was cute. The doctor told me that if I wanted to, they could surgically remove it later on. I looked at her like she was crazy. I guess some people are sensitive about birthmarks, but there was no way I was letting them touch my son.

Isaac's strawberry birthmark on his lower lip.

Our first wedding anniversary photo, complete with screaming baby.

On July 19^th Daniel and I celebrated our very first wedding anniversary. We wanted to go to the temple to celebrate, so my mom watched Isaac for us. The trip up to the Portland temple is only about a 45 minute drive from Salem. We were about half way up when we received a call from my mom asking us to come back. She could not get Isaac to stop crying.

Frozen 1 year wedding cake is really gross.

Isaac’s colic continued in full force and lasted the entire first three months of his life. He would cry and scream all day and only not scream at night, from exhaustion I’m sure. We tried everything for relief. We were on WIC, and with a doctor’s prescription we were able to put him on a special (and expensive!) formula called Alimentum. We tried gas drops. We tried infant Tylenol. We tried lavender bath wash and lotion. We also did infant massage. There was no relief. One time my mom came over to visit me. Our complex was set on a sloping hill, and our apartment was in the middle of the incline. Visitor parking was down at the bottom of the hill. My mom could hear Isaac’s cries all the way down to where she had parked. I felt terrible for our neighbors, especially when once our downstairs neighbor commented on the noise, but there was nothing we could do. Most infants with colic don’t have it for longer than three months, and I believe that is by God’s design for the continuation of our species. No one would wish colic on their worst enemy.

Isaac spent a lot of time in the vibrator chair because it was the only thing that came close to soothing him.

Isaac was blessed the first Sunday in August. That was a special day with family and friends. His little white romper suit was huge on him!

Isaac's blessing day.

My sister called about this time and wanted me to start doing free childcare for my niece, who was about three years old. My sister didn’t know about what I had been through or what I was continuing to go through, so I told her I didn’t think I could do it because I was so tired. She became really nasty and basically chewed me out for being “tired” and not wanting to help her out when she needed it. I still didn’t want to do it, but in the end I did because my sister was a single mom going through a lot of things and I knew my niece needed a good solid place to go to for childcare. I loved my sister and my niece, it’s just that I didn’t know if I could handle one more thing on top of what I was already dealing with.

Isaac and Bailey

Isaac’s colic did ease once he reached three months old. I will be forever grateful for that, because we were not to know that we would only have three months to really enjoy having a baby. Between the ages of 3 – 6 months old, Isaac seemed like any other typical baby. He was a fairly happy baby. He still didn’t sleep well through the night, so we still dealt with normal parent exhaustion. Once I woke in the morning to find that at some time in the night I had put our gallon of milk in the kitchen cupboard instead of the fridge. I don’t know when I did it, but it was still cold so I put it back in the fridge. And of course falling asleep ourselves while feeding Isaac was a normal thing too.

Daniel and I started school again. Daniel was working full time and going to school full time, commuting from Salem down to Oregon State University every day. I continued to do online classes, and began taking some evening classes when Daniel was home to watch Isaac. Also during this time I was still having problems from Isaac’s birth. No one at my OB/GYN clinic could determine why I was still in pain, so they sent me up to OHSU in Portland to see a specialist.

For these appointments it would take me a number of hours to drive up, have the appointment, and drive home, so Daniel and Isaac stayed home while I made the commute. The doctor I saw was a woman, which I was grateful for because I’ve always thought it a little creepy for men to be in that line of work. The doctors at OHSU were very knowledgeable and no-nonsense, which I also appreciated.

After some examination I was diagnosed with two things. The first diagnosis was the doctor who stitched me up after Isaac’s birth had stitched me up too tightly. The second diagnosis was vaginismis, a condition I had never heard of before. The doctor explained it to me and I was also able to read more online. I was given some equipment to begin physical therapy at home. Those tools cost me just under $200 and insurance didn’t cover any of it. I remember this because I had to take the money out from an ATM there at the OHSU campus, and never in my life had I ever taken so much from an ATM before. I was also given a list of physical therapists in my area to contact. I never did contact a physical therapist because the pain and shame I felt already was so great that I couldn’t bring myself to seek outside help other than my doctor. It was also recommended that I seek counseling to help me with the mental part of the healing process.

Isaac's Story, Part 2 of 4

2009-05-21T21:34:00.000-07:00

This post contains material which may be objectionable to some readers.

The night of the 25^th we got our suitcase all packed up. In the morning we put it in the trunk and drove to my appointment. Sure enough, after a brief exam, the doctor decided to induce me. It was about this time that they finally mentioned the diagnosis of preeclampsia/toxemia, my blood pressure was sky high, and I had gained a total of about 120 pounds. Because they were inducing me, there would be no nice natural birth out at Silverton Hospital. I was going to give birth there at Salem Hospital, in their brand new maternity ward. It had literally just opened up, and they sent me over. It was right next door so we walked, and used Dan’s cell phone to call our families and let them know that I was being admitted.

We checked in and were put up into the room I would give birth in. As I said, the maternity ward was so very new, and I was the very first person to use that room. The nurse had to locate and unwrap all the new equipment pieces to use on me. It’s a strange thought to think of how many babies have been born in that room since then, where I had been the first. I couldn’t eat or drink, except I think they did allow small sips of water. I don’t recall the name of the medication that was used to induce me, and if they even ever told me the name it was quickly in passing just before they gave it to me. I do know it was a pill form and was inserted into the birth canal. Hours passed and nothing was happening, so they had to give me a second dose of the medicine the same way.

Eventually I began to feel some contractions, but mostly I saw them on the monitor they had me strapped to. I remember thinking that if the rest of the contractions were like this, this was going to be a snap.

Evening came, and I began to have back labor. The birthing room I had was equipped with a Jacuzzi tub, the wonderful kind only God could have inspired. It was roomy and warm and glorious. It was also short lived, and the nurse was beginning to get frustrated with me when I wanted to stay in the tub longer than I was supposed to. It relieved a lot of my pains just to be in that warm water.

The night progressed. I had to make painful trips to the bathroom. I remember getting mad at Daniel, that how dare he fall asleep on the sofa while I was in so much pain bringing his child into the world? On one trip to the bathroom I felt something wet coming down my leg, and I thought that on top of everything else I had just managed to pee on myself and the floor. But when the nurse came in to check on me, they found that my water had broken. “When did your water break?” she asks. I shrugged because I honestly didn’t know, but I told her I thought I had peed on their floor.

When I had thought I would give birth in Silverton, I had planned on it being a drug-free birth and I had even been using hypnobirthing tapes and relaxation techniques for months to prepare for the birth of our son. But with all that had happened, with the pain I was in and the fear I had, I told my Salem Hospital nurses I wanted an epidural.

The guy came in and had me sit on the side of the bed while I leaned over, during contractions, while he tried to stick me with a needle. It didn’t work. He tried it again, called it good, and ran off because he was running late to a c-section. That second epidural didn’t work either. Actually, it numbed one of my legs. My leg! They had also inserted an IV into one of my hands, and it was obviously done wrong because it was so painful. I was able to get them to eventually move the IV to my other hand, and it was much better.

But labor progressed, and the pain in my back and then the cramp I developed in my other leg was so horrible that it surpassed the pain the contractions were giving me. I was exhausted, and in between contractions I would pass out in sleep, only to wake up to another wave of pain. There really are no words in the English language to describe the pain of giving birth. Excruciating comes close. For me, even though I had practiced the hypnobirthing techniques and I had something as a focal point there in the birthing room, my mind did this weird thing that I can only describe as a sort of detachment… The year before I had been to a circus with a friend, and the thing my mind focused on now during labor was the shape of the ears of the elephants they had there at the circus. I don’t have an explanation for why I focused on that or why elephant ears came to mind, except my mind just did it on its own. Also in my case, the pain was so severe that I was past the point of tears or crying or screaming. All I could do was moan and try to endure the best I could.

The time came that our son was ready to be born. Two midwives that I’d never seen before in my life came in to assist me. They dropped the bottom part of the bed, and there was a thick foam pad on top of the bed that they cut through and ripped off the bottom part. I had remembered one of my old coworkers talking about what it felt like to give birth, that it felt like you were about to have the biggest poop in the entire world, and that’s when you needed to push. As soon as I felt that sensation, I told the midwives I was pushing and they said okay. At one point I remember saying I couldn’t do it anymore, everything my body was going through, but the midwives encouraged me to keep going. They also began to call for emergency crews to arrive.

Isaac's first picture

When Isaac was born, Daniel was able to get a quick picture before the midwives quickly cut the cord and whisked him to the other side of the room to where a male emergency doctor waited. The plan that we had for Daniel to cut the cord wasn’t to be. I tried to ask what was going on but the midwives and nurses just shook their heads and didn’t say anything. They were busy watching what was going on with my son. The male emergency doctor was doing something on the other side of the room with his back to me, and I couldn’t see what was going on. He suddenly called for a nurse and told her to go get one of their emergency response teams (I don’t recall what he called it). The nurse stood dumbly in the doorway and stared. Why wasn’t she moving? After he had to say it a third time and I was near to screaming out the order myself, the nurse turned and disappeared down the hall. Soon that order was dismissed before the team even arrived because whatever had happened the male doctor didn’t need that team anymore (it would be a couple years later while preparing for our CDRC appointment, I received a copy of Isaac's hospital records to take down with us and for the first time saw that it had taken 10 minutes for Isaac's APGAR scores to become normal. I cried so hard when I read that because no one had told me his APGAR score and it was another reminder of how close I came to losing my son). Isaac was named after his 2^nd great-grandfather, was born at 6:33am on June 27^th, 2003 and weighed 6 lbs 12 oz and was 19.5 inches long. In spite of the pain, there is something breathtaking about seeing your child for the first time and realizing that you created that little person. In the months to come, I would be in complete awe of Isaac.

Male emergency doctor working on Isaac

I knew a doctor was on the way to stitch me up, but I was so exhausted I didn’t think to ask for details. I hadn’t been given an episiotomy, so some part of me knew that I had torn. When the doctor finally arrived, she raked my two midwives over the coals up one side and down the other. She was pissed. “This isn’t even a tear,” the doctor said. In my exhausted state I said, “What is it?” She responded, “Oh, it’s a tear all right,” and didn’t elaborate beyond that. Then she began stitching me up. Except remember I said my epidural didn’t work? I began to scream as the needle went into my flesh. The doctor looked up and said, “I thought she had an epidural”. “She did,” they said. The doctor ordered some medicine to be administered to me through my IV, and began to stitch me up again. I screamed again because she hadn’t given the medicine any time to enter my bloodstream. Mercifully the medicine kicked in quickly, because the doctor never slowed down her stitching. It took her about 30 minutes to sew me up. At one point I felt something warm between my legs and asked what it was. I had peed on the doctor. And I didn’t care. Being spread eagle on the table and having countless doctors and nurses and crew coming in and out of the room, there was nothing that could have happened that would have embarrassed me at that point.

When I asked how long I’d been in labor for, the midwives shrugged. We figure it may have been 3 hours, but we don’t know. We were eventually told by someone that the emergency we had was because Isaac came out with his arm wrapped around his neck, causing breathing difficulties for him and causing me to tear.

I was finally moved to my recovery room, the room I would be in until Isaac and I were released from the hospital. The nurses there made me these genius ice pads that were small diapers with the filling separated and then filled with crushed ice. They felt wonderful.

Four generations: My grandpa "Groucho", my dad, Daniel, and Isaac, the first grandson

Family began showing up. I also tried nursing Isaac. The lactation consultant was impressed I had gone up three cup sizes, so I figured between that and the knowledge I had learned about nursing that it would be fairly easy. It wasn’t. Isaac had a poor suck reflex, and he had to be supplemented with formula. He also developed jaundice, and his little foot heel was pricked many times for blood samples. By the end of the day Isaac wasn’t eating well and the jaundice had worsened, so he was admitted to the NICU, also brand new in the new maternity ward. I’ve wondered if there were other problems that led to his being admitted to the NICU, especially about his breathing, but if there were any other problems no one told me about them. I had to be taken by wheelchair to the NICU to see him, which was on a separate floor. I cried. The NICU was comfortably done up, even more so than the NICU at Doernbecher Children’s Hospital. They had a sofa and a rocker, and even a private room where moms could pump in privacy. But it was so hard seeing my newborn little son hooked up to machines.

Isaac in the NICU

I was still determined to nurse, so throughout the night Dan would wheel me to the NICU. Because of Isaac’s poor suck reflexes these nursing trips were extremely frustrating, and trying to get him to latch on even with the use of nursing gadgets I’d never heard of or seen before wasn’t much help. I always ended up pumping and having him bottle fed. The nurses were still supplementing his feedings with formula, which I didn’t love but the important thing was making sure Isaac was getting enough nutrition in.

The next day I was in my room resting when another midwife from the clinic came to check on me. I had never met her before, but I had heard of her and that she was a sweet lady. As she walked into my room she asked, “So, did they send the baby to Doernbecher’s?” What was she talking about? In true form to the tight-lipped attitude of my entire prenatal and maternity care, apparently the doctors had discussed sending Isaac up to Doernbecher’s, but they never once talked to me or Daniel about it. Because of the brand new resources made available at the Salem Hospital, meaning the existence of their new NICU, the doctors decided to keep Isaac there. But we also knew that due to the circumstances, the injuries I received and now Isaac’s health, it was going to be a long hospital stay.

That second day my in-laws showed up, so of course they were brought down to the NICU to meet Isaac. I was still wheelchair bound and had devices hooked to my body to try to get Isaac to nurse (I was modestly covered when they entered, of course). My newborn son was hooked with wires and tubes. My mother-in-law said, “Just think. If you had been a pioneer, you and your son would have died”. Unfortunately, this was not the first or last inappropriate thing she has ever said, but at that time she couldn’t have chosen anything worse to say. Who the hell says something like that to anyone, family or not?! It’s one thing to think it, because the thought had come to me also, but it’s entirely another to say it out loud.

Our days continued like this, with visitors coming and Dan and I taking frequent trips to the NICU, about every 2 hours. On about day three I tried to walk back to my room from the NICU, and began having terrible cramps and bleeding profusely. I had to sit down on one of the admitting chairs while my husband found a wheelchair for me. I ended up ruining that chair. After Dan wheeled me back to my room I had nurses constantly hovering over my crotch. Again, they never said anything, but I suspect they were concerned with hemorrhaging.

A funny thing did happen in the NICU one day. I hate fart humor and anything along those lines is really not funny. But this one day Daniel and I were down visiting with Isaac when Daddy had particularly foul smelling gas. A nurse walked into our area and made a comment about how it was time to change Isaac’s diaper. I began giggling and the nurse looked at me and made a comment to the effect that it wasn’t funny. I said, “Yes it was, because that was Dad”. I didn’t want the nurse poking around in Isaac’s diaper when there was absolutely no need for it!

About this time I was also able to take my first shower. That was when I first realized how therapeutic a shower could really be. Gradually wires and devices were removed from Isaac. Isaac and I were both still patients, with me in the maternity ward and Isaac still in the NICU.

Getting ready to head home

On July 3^rd, Isaac’s original due date and one week after entering the hospital, we were allowed to go home. The hospital provided free baby pictures, so we dressed Isaac up in his special going home outfit. It was a little baseball outfit, including a tiny hat, and it was so big on him that I told Daniel he looked like a little hoodlum. We tucked the excess material under him and laid him on the blanket I had spent so many months making and gave myself tendonitis over. We couldn’t get Isaac to wake up, but we still got a cute picture. As we left the hospital a nurse also took our picture, our new little family. I was still swollen with edema and could barely walk because of delivery pain, but I was well enough to go home and so was Isaac.

We arrived home. Daniel carried Isaac up the stairs to our second floor apartment. I followed very, very slowly behind. Climbing those stairs was excruciating. When we were all settled in and things unloaded from the car, I took a picture of Daniel next to Isaac, who was still in his car seat. For some strange reason Daniel likes to point in pictures, but it was a good picture of Isaac’s homecoming. What a picture doesn’t show is that total and complete sense of anxiety of “Now what?” now that we were home and about to start life as a new family.

Isaac's Story, Part 1 of 4

2009-05-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

This post contains material which may be objectionable to some readers.

There was nothing typical or normal about my pregnancy with Isaac. I suspect that things may have turned out better if I had not had prenatal care in Salem, and if I had not given birth at Salem Hospital, but that’s something I will never know.

When Daniel and I became engaged, we had prayed to know when the right time would be for us to start our family. The answer we received was that we should start trying as soon as we were married.

We were married July 19^th, 2002. Daniel and I both worked at that time, he at a garden center and me at Payless, and a short time later were both also back in school. Three months after the wedding we found out I was pregnant. I had begun to feel horribly sick, having nausea that lasted all day. At first I thought it was a virus, although in the back of my mind I wondered. It wasn’t long before I took a pregnancy test, and even before I could set it on the counter and leave the bathroom I saw it show the positive sign. Daniel and I hugged. I cried… I was so happy and excited. Dan was silent with shock written all over his face. We were going to be parents!

Somehow I managed to make it through my first term of school with a 4.0 GPA. I was terribly sick though. The nausea lasted all day long, and there was no relief. I was never told about pregnancy-safe nausea medicines. I had to brush my teeth before eating, to prevent losing whatever food I could keep down. I survived on crackers.

It was during this first trimester of pregnancy that two things happened.

The first was that Daniel had landed a job at Silverton Hospital which had excellent benefits, so I was able to choose my doctor and start prenatal care. I decided to go with a popular midwife my sister had told me about, Kate, and I decided I wanted a natural birth out at Silverton Hospital (even though we lived in Salem, that was still an option). My due date was July 3^rd, 2003. When we met Kate the first time, she informed us that before my due date she would be on vacation out of state. I didn’t think that would be a problem. Even though my sister had HELLP syndrome with her daughter, I was determined that by sheer will I would have a normal pregnancy and I figured Kate would deliver our child when she returned from vacation. No problem.

The other thing that happened was a dream I had. I had a dream that our child (we had a feeling he would be a boy) would be born on June 27^th, 2003. I actually dreamed that date. I went to work and told my coworkers about it, and one asked, “Why that day?” I said I didn’t know.

About this time we also moved from our apartment in south Salem to a nicer 2 bedroom apartment in west Salem. We fell in love with the area and our church ward there. We were within walking distance to a large beautiful park by the river and also to a grocery store and a produce market. We were still close to family and friends. It was perfect.

But it was shortly after I started seeing Kate that problems began to arise. I was rapidly dropping weight, and at one visit Kate told her assistant she wanted the scales checked for accuracy. They were accurate. I also began having problems with protein in my urine, and my iron was low. Kate began having me add more protein to my diet, and I started taking an iron pill. I had to stop the iron pill, even the one that was supposed to be mild for sensitive people, because it made me so ill. I was also spotting frequently, but they couldn't find a cause for it.

I began having severe pain and burning down the middle of my belly while at work. I mentioned it to my boss, and then to Kate. On examination she found that I had torn my abdominal wall from all the bending, lifting and reaching I was doing at work. I had to start wearing a belly brace because of the injury (but boy did it feel good!), and I had to quit my job. I cried when I put in my notice. At times I truly hated parts of my job and all the stupid things they wanted us to do. Our district manager was a woman who reminded me of a gay man trapped in a woman’s body. Fake. She had thought it would be a brilliant idea if we could ever sell beer along with our shoe merchandise. So yes, I hated my job at times, but I really loved the people I worked with. My boss told me I could take maternity leave, but I told her that since I wanted to become a stay-at-home mom, I knew it was time to quit.

I stayed in school, but that also became difficult. It was my second trimester and just walking across campus to my classes caused me to have horrible contractions that made me stop and catch my breath. They were so painful. I then had to take slow baby steps to finish getting to class, and prayed that I wouldn’t be late.

I had other pain as well. One night, in the middle of the night, I woke up screaming and sat bolt upright in bed. I had a horrendous pain in the calf of my leg. I developed a bright red welt there, but figured it was a Charlie-horse like I had heard about. By the time I saw Kate, I told her about it but the welt was nearly gone. She frowned and left the room to consult with another doctor in the office. After some time she finally returned and told me they think it may have been a broken blood vessel or something like that, and if it ever happened again that I should call them immediately. Scary.

We had our ultrasound and it was confirmed that we were having a boy! “There’s the boy part”, said the tech. There was no doubt we were having a boy either, because our little baby just put it all out there for the whole world to see. The ultrasound went smoothly and we quickly got all the pictures we needed. I believe it was the following evening we had the missionaries over for dinner, and Daniel was so proud to be having a boy that he had to show them the “hot dog” ultrasound pictures. He was one proud daddy!

My only food aversions during my pregnancy were to onions, broccoli and cauliflower, which were all fairly easy to avoid. But I had terrible heartburn and had to have a constant supply of Tums on hand. I didn’t really crave any foods, but burritos tasted better than they usually did.

I began to gain weight. At first that was a good thing because I had been losing so much before. But this weight gain quickly became alarming. One day Kate asked me what I was eating during the day, partly to figure out the weight gain and also the consistent problem of proteins in my urine. When I told her that at school I packed a peanut butter and jam sandwich, an apple, a pack of fruit snacks, and of course my handy water bottle, I’ll never forget what she told me. Of course she informed me the fruit snacks were all sugar so I shouldn’t eat them. But she also told me I should stop eating apples because they had too many carbs! She had me instead switch to protein snacks like beef jerky and nuts. In hindsight I realize she was basically putting me on an Atkins diet, a diet that at that time I didn’t know about but was quickly becoming popular. I knew fruit is good for you, but this was my first pregnancy and Kate had been to medical school, and I was scared with what was happening to my body, so I followed her advice.

My appointments with Kate became a bi-weekly to weekly thing far, far sooner than the average pregnancy. One day I knew I had made a mistake by choosing Kate as my doctor, but I didn’t know if I could or even should make a switch because I was already in so deep with medical problems. That day I had been allowed to squeeze in to Kate’s schedule because of a severe migraine I couldn’t break, and being pregnant the only thing I could take was Tylenol. I was sitting in the exam room waiting for Kate to come in (Dan also came with me to nearly all my appointments), and then I heard Kate outside the door lift my chart up and examine it. She then let out a groan and began complaining, probably to her assistant, that I was there again. Obviously she either didn’t realize I could hear her or she didn’t care. The tears I’d been holding back from the pain came out, and when she walked in the room Kate quickly became the Good Doctor. She figured I was crying only because of the amount of pain I was in. I don’t remember how that migraine was treated, but I’ll never forget that office visit and how much it made me dread future visits.

My weight gain was rapidly increasing, and every week I averaged a seven pound gain. My blood pressure was also steadily increasing and I had horrible swelling. I felt like I had absolutely no control over my body. I was having numerous blood and urine tests done. Kate told me if my weight and blood pressure didn’t become stable, they would put me on bed-rest. But she never once mentioned a cause or a diagnosis. This tight-lipped behavior would become a pattern in the months that followed. By this point I cried at every appointment since all I heard was bad news. Kate told me that at the weekly meetings all the doctors have together, one other woman and I were their top concern among their patients. On one visit I was standing in line in the lobby waiting to check in, and became so dizzy I had to sit down otherwise I knew I would pass out. I ended up waiting in the lobby for quite a while before I was finally called back to the exam room. The nurse took my blood pressure and frowned, and asked if I had been in a hurry to get to my appointment because my blood pressure was so high. I told her no, about how dizzy I was and how long I had to wait in the lobby before she called me back.

I was seven months along when I was put on bed-rest. That meant I was laid up on the couch with my feet propped up on pillows, and I could only get up to use the bathroom and get something to eat. Sitting up felt terrible on my legs and feet anyway, so being on the couch was the most comfortable place for me anyhow. I spent my time working on my studies, catching up on crafts, and most of all working on a cross-stitch baby blanket for our newborn son. My school classes had to be completed online, and I’m grateful the instructors were willing to work with me around my medical problems. In addition to bed-rest I also had to start collecting urine samples at home. This involved huge red cylinders that I had to keep cool. To do this, we kept a bucket of cold water in the bathroom next to the toilet and stored the cylinder there. After one was filled, I had to seal it off in a plastic bag and (yes, this is beyond gross) store it in the fridge until I had a complete 24 hour sample. This involved a total of 3-4 cylinders, and then my husband making trips to the hospital to drop them off at the lab. I had to do this quite a few times.

I had another migraine, this one that landed me in the emergency room. I was given a shot of morphine, which scared me for the baby’s sake, but I was in so much pain. During this time they monitored me and the baby closely, with one of those big straps across my belly. We were there for hours and were finally able to come home in the wee hours of the morning. We were exhausted and I was oblivious to the world, so Dan had to call in to work and let them know he wouldn’t be in that day.

Kate was still monitoring my food intake and trying to get me to still decrease all my carbs and increase my protein even more. One day I managed to do it. I had a day that was virtually carb-free, including eating homemade tuna fish salad rolled up on lettuce leaves as one of my meals. I felt so sick. When I told Kate about that day, she was glad I had reduced my carbs so much. When I told her how sick I felt, she told me our bodies do need some carbs. I felt like no matter what I did I couldn’t get it right. I cried more.

The bed-rest did help my blood pressure, although it still remained too high. I continued to gain weight, but it wasn’t quite as rapid. The bed-rest also helped with the swelling, but not much. I will never forget the sensation of walking across the room and actually being able to feel the skin on top of my feet jiggle as I walked. It was a horrible, sick sensation.

Emotionally, I was a wreck, but I didn’t recognize the symptoms of depression at the time. I just knew I had frightening thoughts, I felt like I had lost complete control over anything that happened to my body, and I would wake up in the wee hours of the morning and sit at the kitchen table and just cry.

The time finally came for Kate to leave for her vacation, and she told me that with the doctor I would see in her place, she would induce me if they felt it was necessary. My next appointment was scheduled for the morning of June 26^th, and because of the dream I had had about six months earlier, I knew it was time.

Breaking news!

2009-05-21T18:35:00.000-07:00

Breaking news: Our neighbor, the guy on the other side of our duplex, had his grass mowed today!!!!!!

That's seriously a big deal. He's lived there for over 6 months now and has never, ever mowed his grass. The only reason the front part of his yard has ever been at a modest height is because his front yard is connected to the neighbor next to him, and they've been mowing his grass. But his backyard? It's been fenced off from our backyard and of course the people next to him. And that grass was TALL. I wanted to get a picture of it because it was starting to look like a jungle out there (especially with the two huge potted bamboo plants he has sitting next to his backdoor). There are some very tall pieces of grass that were missed today right where the fence is, so I may be able to get out and get a picture of Isaac next to it. But I'm 5'2" and some of that grass came to my chin. The sad thing about the grass being mowed today was it wasn't even our neighbor doing it, it looked like his middle-aged father. And the logical thing would have been to use a weed wacker first, but instead he just had his mower and it took him about an hour to do that tiny bit of yard! When this guy first moved in Daniel asked if he'd like him to help mow his grass for him, and he said no, that he had a mower he could borrow from his mom. Ya. Right.

I've got issues with this guy, and I've never actually said boo to him yet. He's renting a duplex, which requires some degree of maintenance on his part. But he's there on average one night a week, and maybe one day. Really! He's got a girlfriend who comes and stays with him when he's staying there, and I swear that girl is loud and squeals like a pig in heat. They are loud neighbors. I had to call in a complaint twice because we could hear his TV/music over our own house noise, even though between our two living rooms we have 2 garages and laundry rooms separating us!!! The guy isn't a big guy at all, but he makes more noise coming and going out of his house than the previous two tenants who lived there before him. In fact, he makes more noise than the two basset hounds the previous couple had, and we can hear him stomping up his stairs all the way from our living room. He also drives a massive truck, so I originally thought he was in construction but turns out he works for UPS. Methinks that with this rental and the big truck and the heavy way he carries himself that he's trying to make up for something?

Either way I'm glad the grass was cut, even if we know it's going to grow back (I'll take a picture then!) We just bought Isaac a swim pool for the summer, and I was scared to death of being out there and having snakes come slithering out of the neighbor's tall grass into our yard!

My hard working boys

2009-05-20T18:58:00.000-07:00

Dan mowed the grass this morning, and Isaac asked if he could help with his lawnmower toy. Isaac primed it and everything, just like Daddy.

They did a great job on the yard!

And here they are this evening, washing the van. We got the van in February, and this is the first bath we've given it (oooh, that's embarrassing). It was pretty funky. Isaac is learning that he likes to help, especially if it also means he can earn a dime or two! Right now they're washing the elderly neighbor's blazer, and tomorrow they'll get to tackle our other car.

A lot done, a little to do

2009-05-19T12:36:00.000-07:00

I have exactly 2 weeks left as of today. My official due date is June 8th, but since the c-section is scheduled for June 2nd that puts me at 2 more weeks. Unless she comes early. And boy, I hope she comes early. But either way the end is in sight!

We've got the kids' room just about done. We hung up the Care Bear posters I made on Brooke's side of the room, but I've got to replace the kind of tape I used on the back because half of them have fallen down. I've washed bottles and dresser drawers are full of clean and ready clothes. The only thing really to do is just general tidying to make everything look pretty. We're going to have the kids exchange small gifts to each other, and yesterday I ordered two Speed Racer cars Isaac has been wanting from Amazon. He thinks he's getting just one so it'll be a real surprise when he gets two.

Isaac has been doing excellent with his pooping in the potty! In the past week he's just had one accident! For quite a while now we've used a chart in the bathroom and for every pee he gets one checkmark, and for every poo he gets two checkmarks. Each checkmark is worth 15 minutes of computer game time. But the real motivator for the poo has been us copying what they've been doing at school, and every time he goes he earns something from the treasure bucket (a small dollar store toy). He's down to one toy left, and he's running out of room in his toy bins for more toys, so we'll probably start replacing the treasure bucket toys with giving him a dime or a quarter for each poo. He really, really wants a Speed Racer video game but he knows there won't be any video games until he's 100% potty trained.

Joy is a choice

2009-05-15T10:30:00.000-07:00

You can also read this here: http://www.moneysavingmom.com/money_saving_mom/2009/05/guest-post-finding-joy-in-the-journey.html

I once heard a story about two brothers who set out to dig a deep hole in their backyard. “What are you doing?” some older boys asked.

“We are digging a hole through the earth!” the brothers replied.

The older boys laughed. Digging a hole all the way through the earth was impossible.

After a few moments, one of the diggers picked up a jar full of spiders, worms, and other treasures. “Even if we don’t dig all the way through the earth, look what we found along the way!”

The moral of the story: It is in the digging that life is lived.

In our journey towards debt-free living, how many times do we say, “I’ll be happy when I’m debt-free?” “I’ll be happy when the emergency fund is fully-funded.” or “I’ll be happy when the mortgage is paid off.”

We’re distracted by crisis. We all face frustration, boredom, pain. But joy is a choice.

By recognizing the positives in my life, I feel joy. Celebrating the everyday blessings is a deliberate action. It’s a purposeful mindset which transforms my life.

Blessings are all around us; they are just waiting to be noticed. We can choose to dwell on the difficulties or we can look for the joy.

I still have problems. I still have inconveniences and discomforts. However, I am allowing them to be less important, less significant by choosing to acknowledge the wonderful things in my life. I am practicing praise and attempting to do away with complaining.

There is joy in the journey.

I really loved that. Especially lately I've been having a very hard time with pain in this pregnancy, it was a nice reminder to keep focusing on what's going right. Yes, it hurts to walk, and doing things like going up stairs or getting dressed requires slow movements, but I can still accomplish things. Like getting the dishes done... and since we don't even have a dishwasher that is an accomplishment!

Every Friday is library day, and I'm grateful that today my husband has enough time before work to take Isaac, and next week hubby has Friday off and he can take Isaac again since it hurts for me to move around.

Every weekend I make a to-do list of things I need to get done. This weekend it's rather large. I'm grateful that I can take Friday and Saturday (and Sunday if I have to) to get it all done, even though these are things I used to be able to accomplish in a single day. I'm grateful that my husband cleaned the shower/tub for me, and it's even more special because I didn't even have to ask. He just saw it on my list and did it!

I can find joy by accomplishing the things I need to do, and so what if it takes me days to get it all done?

A manly baby shower

2009-05-14T12:52:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday as Dan's shift was ending, he got a buzz and was asked to come to one of the hospital's conference rooms to help move something heavy. When he walked in, there was a baby shower set up for him! He was so surprised! His coworkers asked where I was, and Dan had to tell them that since he didn't know about the shower, I didn't know, and since I had to pick Isaac up from school shortly I wouldn't be able to make the drive out there anyhow. But it sounded like a great time, and his coworkers were so generous that it made me tear up as I looked through all the cute goodies Dan had brought home.

They couldn't believe Dan didn't know about the shower. "Didn't you notice that when you walked into the room we'd stop talking?" He figured it was girl talk and he really didn't care to hear about it. "Didn't you notice the baby shower cake I was making?" He figured that since that coworker worked for catering, it must have been for one of their events! I love my clueless man.

Yesterday as I brought Isaac to school, I was also surprised that Isaac's teacher had bought a little gift for Brooke! It was an adorable dress with little pink bloomers! Isaac helped take it out of the bag, and as soon as he saw it wasn't something he would be interested in he quickly handed it back to me and headed towards his classroom. We're doing our best to involve him in the process of preparing for Brooke, but it's still got to be hard (for any kid!) to have to see and put up with gifts for someone other than them, and the kid isn't even born yet!

I need to get cracking on Thank You notes. I may do that this afternoon while I'm icing my back.

Week 36

2009-05-13T13:46:00.000-07:00

If you stare at it long enough, it does start to look like a baby's head. But I added the notes to the 2nd pic in case you don't have 30 min to stare at the screen.

Today was my doctor appointment for week 36. We arrived on time, but unfortunately my doctor was called to an emergency surgery so she was not.

I hate peeing in a cup, and even 30 years later I still don't have that talent down pat (boys have it so easy). When I came into the exam room I found the exam table/bed with a pad on it and a nicely folded sheet on top. On the doctor's table was a pair of gloves and other torture devices used to take samples and tests. *GROAN* I've felt very fortunate that I haven't had to spread-eagle during this pregnancy, since it seemed like I was doing it all the time when I was pregnant with Isaac. But I knew it was coming since I'm at the end, so I was a good patient and stripped down. After waiting about 30 minutes and still no doctor, I realized I had to use the bathroom again. Daniel says, "Again?!" I glare at him. Um, yes! I'm hugely pregnant, of course I have to pee again! So I had to get re-dressed so I could make it down the hall to the bathroom without frightening other patients.

Feeling much better, I made it back to my room and began the whole process again of undressing and finished just as my doctor walked through the door. Perfect timing! She did the ultrasound there, which was cool because #1: I haven't had one in-office since my first trimester and #2: I wasn't even expecting it. She pointed out the baby's face which I nodded but of course it all looked like scrambled eggs to me. I could see the heartbeat, since that was the only thing fluttering on screen. She measured my tummy, and as she was preparing for the torture-exam, Dan took Isaac out in the hall and called his work to tell them he'd be a little late coming in.

Before my doctor began the exam, she asked if I had any questions... I told her that a few months ago I had mentioned the pain in my groin and she had told me it was from a nerve the baby was sitting on (this was in addition to and separate from the Sciatic nerve pain Brooke has given me). Well, that pain has gotten so bad that it's become painful just to walk. Doing things like getting dressed and climbing the stairs takes real effort because it hurts so bad. I told her that after the birth of my son, because of the injuries I received, ever since then I'd had pain and discomfort down there, and I wanted to know if this pinched nerve was aggravating that old injury. So while she was doing her tests and swabs, she also checked me out. Sure enough, Brooke is down "very, very low" and she said it wouldn't surprise her at all if Brooke was putting pressure right on that spot. Unfortunately, there are still just two things I can do: I can walk around on my hands and knees, which would take the pressure off from down there. And I can give birth. Neither one is very practical since Brooke isn't due yet and I can't spend the day on my hands and knees (not to mention getting up again is hard!) My doctor did tell me that after Brooke is born, if I'm still having pain, she'll send me to physical therapy in a heartbeat. I had to do some PT after Isaac was born, and my doctor had recommended more, but because it was such a painful and humiliating thing to go through I chose not to do more PT. If I have pain this time still, I will be doing the PT!

Everything looks good, and we're very close to Brooke's arrival. I've gained 15 lbs total, which sucks since I had wanted to keep my total down to 15 or less, but my doctor said it's perfect and I've done a really great job. I figure if she says it's good, she knows best, but I'm looking forward to it all being over and done with so I can be active again and get back on a weight loss program.

Only about 3 weeks left to go! Unless Brooke decides to come on the 29th, then it's just over 2 weeks!

Sleep

2009-05-12T12:53:00.000-07:00

Isaac slept in until 6:15am this morning, and that was nice.

You know, nothing can really prepare you for motherhood. There are books and classes and advice, but until you're actually doing it you just don't have a clue. Motherhood is about sacrifice. We sacrifice our bodies to bring children into the world, and nothing can 100% bring back your pre-mommy body. We sacrifice our time, because it's no longer our time. In fact, our time is so rare and far and few in between that it's become sacred. And the thing we sacrifice the most is sleep. Sleep is no longer a necessity, but a priviledge.

I won't make a blanket statement and say that all ASD kids don't sleep well, but I feel confident saying that most do have sleep issues. Isaac was 3 years old before he slept through the night. We've always had a set routine for bedtime, starting at 7:30pm he has a bath and then story time and a small snack, and he's in bed at 8:00pm. Then his inner alarm would go off anywhere between 4:00am and 5:00am, and he would be up and ready to start his day. It's been maybe almost a year now that he's had his bright digital clock, and we set the rules that wake-up time is at 6:00am (a good compromise, we thought). He can wake up before then, turn on his light, read a book or quietly play with his toys, but he can't wake mom and dad up until 6:00am unless there's a problem or emergency.

Quite often in the middle of the night we'll find Isaac's bedroom light on, and he's passed back out on his bed. The night before was like that. He had some horrible allergies hit him hard, so he was just miserable. That night every time I got up to use the bathroom (every 2 hours) I'd find his light on and him asleep, so I'd turn it off and pull the covers back over him. Then he came in at 3:30am to wake us up because he thought he'd slept in past 6:00am. Since I'd already been up and down during the night using the bathroom, I was able to get Dan up and he put him back to bed.

Most days Isaac is getting us up right at 6:00am on the nose, which means he's been up for at least a little while watching the clock. So we've learned to really appreciate being able to sleep in until 6:15am, and on the rare occasion where it's 6:30am, that's just heaven.

Our 10 cent goldfish

2009-05-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

I had to include this, since Dan did a great job cleaning the fish tank for me.

Meet Stinky Fish. He is about 4 years old and even though we haven't measured him, he's at least 6 inches long. When I bought him as a surprise for Isaac and the kids I was doing childcare for, I went to the pet store and bought about 4 of those little tiny 10 cent goldfish. They all fit perfectly in a little 1/2 gallon tank. They also all eventually died off like goldfish do, except Stinky Fish. He's like the Energizer Bunny and just keeps going and going and going... In the past we've tried getting one or two other goldfish to be companions to him and replace the ones that died, but they died.

Stinky Fish has gotten so large, we had to buy a new net to scoop him out of the 10 gallon tank with. I was able to find a 10" net, which was the perfect size. Unfortunately, since he no longer fits in the plastic fish bowl we were using to hold him during tank cleanings, we had to improvise with something that would hold him. And here he is chilling out in our large fruit bowl (ya, it got a good scrubbing afterwards!)

I've told Dan that if Stinky Fish gets any larger, we'll have to donate him to the hospital for their Koi pond. And if he dies, we're going to have to bury him in the backyard because he'll clog the toilet if we try to flush him!

My Mother's Day

2009-05-11T13:02:00.000-07:00

Friday afternoon Isaac brought home some things he'd been working on at school for Mother's Day. He colored and painted and crafted, and it was so sweet! When he handed me my treasures, he then gave me a real hug and a real kiss and said "Because that's what we do on Mother's Day". Obviously they had been working on that at school, but even though it sounded rehearsed it was so touching to get that affection from him! So this weekend I used that to my advantage, and when I wanted a hug or a kiss I asked him to give me one like we do on Mother's Day.

Here's the large and beautiful card he made me:

He signed the inside: To Mom, Love Isaac

The beautiful works of art:

This beautiful bouquet of silk flowers he made me!

The purple one is actually a ring... And I didn't know this until Isaac told me, but that clothesline clip that says #1 MOM is actually a magnet! It's proudly displayed on our fridge now.

The only time I get flowers from Dan is Mother's Day and sometimes my birthday. Anticipating this, this year I asked him that instead of a bouquet of cut flowers, I would really like some petunias (one of my favorite annuals) to plant in the front garden: It would add color while I'm waiting for my seeds to really take off and also so I can enjoy my Mother's Day flowers all summer. Dan and Isaac went to the store together and picked out some beautiful white ones, and also some fancy red and white striped ones! I was so tickled to have fancy petunias, since I've always been too cheap and always bought the plain-Jane kind:

And extra brownie points scored by Hubby, he still bought me a beautiful long stem rose that came with some pretty baby's breath and a nifty decorative twig. I LOVE ROSES!

On Sunday morning I was treated to breakfast in bed, which was a really, really nice surprise that my boys thought of it without me hinting about it! They made me french toast with powdered sugar on top (just the way I like it) and orange slices. I stayed home from church since it's become painful just to get up and walk around, but Dan brought home a little white annual flower that they were handing out to all the moms... How sweet of him to think to bring me home one! Then we quickly got ready and out the door to head down to Grandma & Grandpa's house for a Mother's Day BBQ.

By the way, those burgers were buffalo burgers and oooooooooooooh soooo good! We've done buffalo burgers once or twice ourselves, but it wasn't anything like these! It made me grateful that with this pregnancy I gave up the vegetarian thing since Brooke has made me crave meat.

And what Mother's Day isn't complete without your son and your brother engaging in a grunting round of arm wrestling? Isaac adores his Uncle Jason!

I'm worth $155,679

2009-05-09T19:52:00.000-07:00

How much are you worth as a mom?

I would make $155,679 a year, including working 2,933 hours of overtime. As a full-time mom, we really are on the job 24/7 and there is no coffee break or vacation time...

http://swz.salary.com/momsalarywizard/layoutscripts/mswl_newsearch.asp

Too bad we're never actually paid, and our husbands tend to think we don't do "real work".

No Soliciting (pssst, that means you!)

2009-05-09T15:48:00.000-07:00

You get the idea, right?

Soon after moving here I became sick and tired of strangers knocking on our door wanting us to buy something or convert to something. I bought a "NO SOLICITING" sign, slapped it on the front door, and it did great. Except for one thing...

Religious missionaries of local churches think that this does not apply to them. Well, it does! They are coming to my door, disturbing whatever we're doing with our family, and trying to sell us on their ideas and beliefs. I try to have patience because our own LDS missionaries do this, going door-to-door, and I've heard horrible stories of how they've been treated. But I had (foolishly) thought that my nice little sign would have taken care of the problem, because in a perfect world they would notice my sign and know that it applied to them and go on to the next house, thus avoiding the whole "Is your soul saved?" and "Do you have a church?" interrogation. I've been tempted to make my own sign that says something like, "Religious solicitors will be given a Book of Mormon". I'm certain that would stop the problem. I also know that would be an invitation for hateful people to target my family and our home.

So for now, I let them pound on our front door (they know we're in there!), then they slide their material into the door frame, and we recycle it.

Time to put my artistic abilities to work and make a sign that works!

These Moms Share Special Gifts

2009-05-08T14:07:00.000-07:00

Special thanks to Tara for sharing this, since this is one I haven't read before... If it doesn't make you cry, something's wrong with you!

by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger. "Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecelia. Rudledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint... give her Gerard. He's used to profanity." Finally he passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious, "Why this one, god? She's so happy."

"Exactly," says God. "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she will drown in a sea of self pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make him live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think that she even believes in you."

God smiles, "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods, "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says Momma for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations."

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice... and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

The way it is

2009-05-07T12:39:00.000-07:00

Thanks to http://spectrumspectacle.blogspot.com/ for posting this. It's so funny because it's so true, although I can't ever see an Aspie responding as the ending does:

A guy is flying in a hot air balloon, and he's lost. He lowers himself over a field and calls to a guy "Can you tell me where I am and where I'm headed?"

"Sure. You're at 41 degrees 2 minutes and 14 seconds North, 144 degrees 4 minute and 19 seconds East; you're at an altitude of 762 meters above sea level, and right now you're hovering, but you were on a vector of 234 degrees at 12 meters per second"

"Amazing! Thanks! By the way, do you have Asperger's Syndrome?"

"I do! How did you know that?"

"Because everything you said is true, it's much more detail than I need, and you told me in a way that's no use to me at all."

"Huh. Are you a clinical psychologist?"

"I am, but how the heck did you know that?"

"You don't know where you are. You don't know where you're going. You got where you are by blowing hot air. You put labels on people after asking a few questions, and you're in exactly the same spot you were 5 minutes ago, but now, somehow, it's my fault!

True story happened yesterday:

I asked Dan to please put the roast in the crock pot for me. I asked him to rinse off the meat before putting it in, to please add the diced carrots and potatoes, and then to add 2 cups of water. A short time later I'm in the livingroom and Dan is in the kitchen, drinking from a tall orange drinking cup.

"How much water did you want me to add?" he asks.

"Two cups", I said.

A short time after that, I came wobbling into the kitchen and looked at the crockpot and was shocked to see the water level was within an inch of the top!

"How much water did you add?!" I asked.

"Two of those cups", he said, pointing to his tall orange drinking cup. "You said to add 2 cups."

"Cups, Daniel. CUPS!" I said as I held my fingers wide enough apart to show a 1-cup measurement.

I love my husband. He's a good man. He's a good husband and a good father. He's loyal and dedicated to his job and his church callings, almost to a fault. As I said before, I also know with every fiber of my being that he has an undiagnosed and mild form of Asperger's. The truth is it does add an extra element of stress and challenge to the already challenging state of marriage, and I'm grateful for the times like yesterday when it can create humor.

When I first met Daniel I knew there was something different about him, but it was one of those things I couldn't put my finger on. After dating for a time, the odd quirks that were part of his family were simply written off as a "Thurber thing". For a few years though, I had a difficult time understanding why Dan had a hard time understanding social cues, he didn't understand sarcasm, why he would mention things in public that were of a private nature, and just in general having difficulty with normal social situations that are second nature to the rest of us.

Then when Isaac was diagnosed with PDD-NOS, I began researching about Autism. I had heard of it, but I knew very, very little about it. It was through this study that I began learning about Asperger's, and from there learning about adults with Asperger's. It has only been in recent years that Asperger's has been diagnosed, and until very recently it had only been the more severe forms (such as one of Dan's siblings). People with mild forms of it were never diagnosed, and were just thought of as odd or quirky. Because Asperger's has only been recently diagnosed, the ones who are diagnosed are almost always children, and it's very, very difficult to find someone who has the knowledge and training to diagnose an adult. There are countless numbers of adults with Asperger's, but because they've had a lifetime to learn some way of adjusting and coping with their surroundings, it can be difficult to recognize (in our case, most of Dan's quirks weren't noticeable until after we were married and living under the same roof) and again, many people just see them as odd or quirky. But the more I learned about adult Asperger's, the more I knew without a doubt that my husband, as well as other members of his immediate family, had an undiagnosed and mild form of Asperger's. That "Thurber thing" is really an "Aspie thing". Tony Attwood's book was a wealth of information for me, and I so wish there were more resources like him that are closer to home.

But for now, we manage and there hasn't yet been bloodshed. When I need his help with something, I've learned that it works best to talk to him about it, and then make a detailed list on paper. Occasionally I'm also pleasantly surprised by him stepping out of his comfort zone, like a couple months ago I was having a rough day and out of the blue he asked me if I needed a hug? I was so surprised and so touched that he realized I needed that, and I didn't even have to ask! And we also have days of humor, where he takes directions literally and adds 2 cups of water to the roast, but the roast still turned out perfect.

Autism and vaccines

2009-05-06T17:46:00.000-07:00

A huge thanks to Amber for posting this link, which I 100% agree with and others should read:

http://www.blogher.com/my-child-has-autism-and-i-vaccinate

READ IT!!!! I've said it before and I'll say it again, vaccines do not cause autism!

Seeing beauty

2009-05-06T17:16:00.000-07:00

Something Isaac has enjoyed doing this spring has been picking flowers. This usually means picking those little daisies and sometimes dandelions, and asking to put them in my special crystal vase. It's so sweet when he does this. It made me think of how simple things are for children, and how they can see beauty and find joy in weeds. I think we all need a reminder to be more childlike sometimes, and look for the beauty and joy in the things we normally don't even notice.

Marriage is...

2009-05-05T13:09:00.000-07:00

Applebottom jeans

2009-05-02T17:29:00.000-07:00

Isaac came down with a stomach bug on Wednesday. He missed school Thursday and Friday which he loved, because that meant staying at home snuggling and watching movies. Since being in public school, he has caught some of the strangest viruses! We wash hands here at home like crazy, but once he's at school there's just no control over what other kids have picked or touched and then what Isaac comes in contact with. His tummy is better and his fever was very brief (we're fortunate that he's not much of a fever/barfing kid), but his appetite still hasn't picked up and he's not using the potty as often as he should. It makes me nervous when my wispy child doesn't eat!

Today I was able to take him to the local hospital for their class for kids about becoming a big brother or sister. For the most part he did great and even participated, but I was mortified that he kept reaching up to touch my boobs! He does that every now and then, I have no idea why except maybe he thinks he's rubbing my baby belly?! But for him to do it like 3 or 4 times in the span of an hour, in public, was something else! There were 4 other kids there with their parents, ranging in age from 2 to Isaac's age, 5. The lady doing this class is a nurse there at the hospital, and she was really great with the kids. She got down on the floor and talked to them about things they could do with their new baby brother or sister, like talk to them or touch them gently, or even sing to them. She asked the kids if they know any songs they could sing to the baby? One 3 year old girl started singing "Jesus loves me, this I know....", and another child suggested the Itsy Bitsy Spider. A 4 year old girl raised her hand and said she knew a song she could sing, and then proceeded to sing out "Low" to the horror of her parents. The rest of the parents in the room sat stunned for a moment, and then everyone roared laughing! I don't think her parents will ever forget that!

Dreams

2009-04-28T13:22:00.001-07:00

This pregnancy has given me a lot of dreams about the toilet. On more than one occasion I have woken up grateful that in that dream I hadn't actually found a toilet!

When I was pregnant with Isaac, and I was in my first trimester because I was still working at the time, I had a dream that Isaac was going to be born June 27th, even though his due date was July 3rd. When I told my coworkers, they asked why that date? I said I didn't know. Months later I was admitted to the hospital on June 26th and induced, and Isaac was born at 6:33am on June 27th. In hindsight, looking at all that I went through and the trauma that happened, I can see that that dream was Heavenly Father's way to prepare me for what was to come. It wasn't the first or the last time I'd dreamed about an event yet to take place, and it took me a while to appreciate that gift.

Months ago I had a dream that Brooke would be born 10 days early. As much as I can remember, I had the dream twice. She is due June 8th, and my c-section date is June 2nd. I felt that the dream I had meant 10 days before her actual due date, which would be about May 29th. I don't know if Brooke will actually come early, but it makes me wonder. I haven't had nearly as many complications with this pregnancy as I did with Isaac, so I'm not really worried there. Maybe it's just a heads-up? Maybe it was just anxiety, and she won't actually be born until my c-section date?

I have been having a lot of anxiety, and lots of flashbacks of what I went through with Isaac and it keeps me up in the middle of the night. I have to consciously pull myself out of it and make myself physically relax just to get back to sleep. Since I've been using this blog as a journal, I've considered putting down my experience here just to get it out and off my mind. Writing things down is supposed to be good therapy. We'll see.

The sewer line

2009-04-28T13:17:00.000-07:00

The repair man showed up super early today, totally catching me off guard. But, the drain problem is fixed! Apparently there was a blockage about 80 feet out in the sewage line.

Sewage line? EWWWWW.

He said the line is really rough (I took that to mean not nice and neat and straight, but then again this place is ancient), so he wasn't really surprised by the block.

In addition to washing bedding today, I'm also going to be scrubbing floors and everything else I can think of that was touched, if that backed up water wasn't just bubbly washer water but was actually sewer water.

EWWWWW!

Treasure box at home!

2009-04-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

Potty training continues to be a struggle, and it's been hard not to laugh at the people who suggested that maybe Isaac would be potty trained by the time Brooke is born (and they say it like they believe it would really happen!) Isaac does continue to make great progress, and we've come a long way since just last summer. He can stay dry fairly well, as long as we're the ones who tell Isaac it's time to use the potty and make him sit there until he goes. I think his biggest problem is he's not listening to his body.

Poo has been another issue. At school, if Isaac goes poo on the potty he gets to pick a surprise toy out of their Treasure box that he gets to keep as his very own! Not long ago it was the Speed Racer car. Then recently he brought home a Spiderman bouncy ball because he stayed dry the entire time at school in his big boy underwear (or undy-wear, as Isaac calls them).

The only poos he's done at home have been teeny tiny turds that get stuck in his bottom cheeks, so when he sits down on the toilet they fall in. He's always just as surprised as we are, but since it is poo in the potty, we count it. We decided that to get Isaac to really go poo on the potty here at home, maybe we could do our own Treasure box.

Yesterday Dan didn't have to be in to work until late, so he spent the morning talking to Isaac and talking the subject to death that if he went poo on the potty that day, after work he'd stop by the store and pick up a small Lego's Power Miners set for his Treasure box present. Isaac didn't have any Lego's yet, but he really wanted some. But then Isaac complained that he didn't want a Treasure box toy, that he didn't want to be potty trained, and on and on.

Mid-afternoon Isaac and I are in the living room and he tells me, "I have to go". I asked where? He said he had to go poo! So I hurried him upstairs and we got him on the toilet, and I was afraid it was going to be another time where he says he has to go just as he's going and that there wouldn't be enough time to get him on the toilet. But he did it!

Isaac did a real poo on the potty!!!!!

Dan got home from work after Isaac was asleep, but we told him that in the morning when he woke up he could have the Lego toy. At 5am I noticed Isaac's bedroom light was on, but he did great to stay in his room until 6am like he's supposed to. At 6am we all got up and went downstairs and Isaac was thrilled with his new Lego toy! Daddy and Isaac had a great time putting it together, and we're hoping this was a great incentive to get him to poo on the potty regularly. We're going to put together a bucket filled with little Dollar Tree toys and make that his real Treasure box for going poo on the potty.

A benefit of renting

2009-04-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

THIS is not our problem.

We don't have a basement, but off the kitchen you go out the door and down a few steps into the laundry room (also where the gas furnace is), and then there's another door on the left that leads outside and another door on the right (partly pictured above) that leads to the garage (Please ignore the dirty walls... the previous tenant had a dog and we were able to clean most of the dirt off the walls but didn't have the time or motivation to really scrub walls no one ever sees).

On Saturday while doing laundry, we discovered water backing up and pooling out of the drain that's right in that corner! Quickly Dan unplugged the big freezer cord that was running right through the puddle, and we called the emergency maintenance guy. He couldn't fix it with his snake, so he said he'd get a rotor-rooter guy out on Monday. We had to finish doing laundry, so we kept an eye on it and finished, then when the ground was dry enough we plugged the freezer back in.

All day today I waited for a phone call from someone. Finally at about 4:30 I heard from the guy and he asked if now would be a good time to come over? I said perfect. A few minutes later he called back and said he'd forgotten he had another appointment already scheduled, and could he come late morning/early afternoon tomorrow? Arrgh! I told him it depends on the time, and explained the time frame I have to leave to take Isaac to and from school. He said he'd give me a call when he knows. So tonight I had to do more laundry, and kept an eye on our puddle. It's really impressive with bubbles floating on the floor and everything.

I'm glad we're not the ones paying for the repairs, but it's also nice if we don't have to wait days to get the repair done!

The cArNiVaL

2009-04-26T17:59:00.000-07:00

Isaac's school had its annual carnival, so this was Isaac's first time going to one. He was sooooo excited, he talked about it all week long and couldn't wait for Friday night to come! I spent $4 for 25 tickets and $1 for 3 raffle tickets. Talk about cheap entertainment! You can't tell from any of these pics, but it was crowded and hot and smelled of school, people, and the occasional dirty diaper.

Isaac loved all the games they had, and didn't care much for the rules. Throwing the bean bag in the shark's mouth? It's much easier when you walk right up and just put it in! "I won!" he yells! Most of the teenagers in charge of the games were good natured enough to give him a tiger-ticket, even if he "cheated".

Throwing the bean bag at the small target? It's easier to just go up and hit it! "I win!" he yells again!

You gotta love the fishing game. Everyone's a winner, no matter what!

They had a junk-food walk, which is like the traditional cake walk. Isaac has never done anything like this before, but he caught on quickly. When the music stopped, they drew a bunch of numbers and the winner got to pick a junk food item off the table. Isaac won! OHMYGOSH, he was so excited he won, he picked out a bag of Mixed-Up Adventures Goldfish Crackers, and was so pleased with himself that he squealed (and if he'd been younger, it surely would have ended in a meltdown!)

This was a jungle tunnel. He doesn't like dark, cramped spaces, and considering this was made of cardboard boxes that's exactly what this was. But after a few tries he made it through!

Then he got to drive a super cool RC car. He couldn't master the controls to turn the car, so it smashed into the walls alot, but he had a great time.

Dinner time! For 6 tickets Isaac had a pizza dinner complete with chips and a soda. For a picky eater like Isaac, this means the chips were opened and he didn't touch them, he ate about 3 bites of his pizza, and put the soda down after he discovered he didn't like the feel of the bubbles tickling his nose. But he still enjoyed the experience!

Hockey time! Again, it was easier for Isaac to pick up the puck and then put it into the hole at the end. "I win!" he yells again.

I didn't understand the rules of this game, and Isaac didn't care, but he still won a couple of tiger-tickets from it.

Take a wild guess how Isaac won this game? Yup, walk up and just put the ring on the peg!

Isaac's teachers came dressed as clowns! This is one of Isaac's favorite teacher, Mrs. LaBlue. Isaac calls himself Speed Racer and he calls her Racer X! See him holding his Goldfish Crackers tightly?

Isaac won a total of 10 tiger-tickets, which he could then use to buy little toys/trickets. Mommy's purse was full by the time we left just an hour later! We're hoping next year Dan doesn't have to work so he can be part of the fun also.

The best wardrobe EVER

2009-04-26T17:42:00.001-07:00

Is it just me, or does it seem like there are more baby girls than boys? I've noticed it for years and years, and there's got to be statistics on it or something. But I'm learning that the benefit of everyone having girls is that everyone has free clothes to give you when it's your turn! I know with Isaac, for almost the first year we barely had to buy anything because of things that were given to us, but it wasn't anything like this!

I had boxes in Isaac's closet, each marked according to size. The 0-3 months are already in drawers or in the closet, and the rest were packed neatly into little boxes. Then a friend gave us a massive box of her daughter's old clothes (and shoes and toys)! Super cool because many were in sizes and things we still needed for those sizes. But then I came across a couple problems: First, I needed bigger boxes! Second, what was I going to do with 14 dresses in one size? I decided to weed through everything and get rid of alot of things...

I couldn't let go of a single one of those dresses. Or anything else for that matter. Pathetic. Me, who hates to be in a dress or skirt of any kind, is going to find a way to dress her daughter in 14 different dresses in a matter of a few months.

And I won't wear used shoes, but the baby shoes that were given to us were in like-new condition (like a 6 month old goes walking through the mud every day?), so I've got a good size box filled with shoes for at least Brooke's first year. A basket is on the dresser with probably 10 pairs of newborn size shoes. Crazy.

But she's going to be the best dressed kid on the block!

Being outside

2009-04-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

Was it last week? My days are running together, but we had a few days that were more summerish than springish. We took advantage of it as much as we could, including getting Isaac outside. That's always been a challenge. We don't know what it is exactly, but he has never really enjoyed being outside. I suspect it's a combination of Autism-related things, like being too hot, too bright, fear of getting dirty (he can't stand to get anything on his skin or clothes), and of course bugs.

For Easter my mom gave Isaac some silly string, and he had a great time being outside! This summer we should definitely stock up on silly string!

And the boys did a great job with the cleanup.

NO TOUCHY!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-23T12:46:00.000-07:00

Can you hear me scream this?! Probably not since I haven't actually screamed at Dan, but there were some raised voices this morning.

My husband has, on more than one occasion, tried to do something to "fix" the computer when it didn't need fixing. He has no business whatsoever getting near a computer to fix anything. Our computer is nearly 7 years old, so it's not lightening fast anymore. But it worked! So when he tries to "fix" it, what it does is make problems. Usually I'm able to fix the problem if it's something minor. Once we did have to take it in to be fixed. Thanks to his little wild hair he got last night, we're about to take it in a 2nd time as soon as he gets paid again. I'm handy with computers, but this is something I haven't been able to fix! Not even the restoring-the-system thing worked, it just told us we hadn't made any changes to our computer!

Our main browser was IE, which was great because it had all our favorites bookmarked and everything. With Isaac's potty training, each time he uses the potty he earns a checkmark, and each checkmark is 15 min of computer game time, so all of Isaac's games were bookmarked and easy for him to access. Not anymore. We can't access IE. No matter what we've tried, it says there's a problem with the ad-ons. When you try to access one of the bookmarked websites, or type in the web address, it says we're offline and can't access those websites offline. And then a little box pops up from NetZero for us to dial in (we haven't had NetZero in years). We can use Firefox! Do you know how horrible it would be to not be able to use the internet at all for over a week! I'm so glad Firefox works, but it has problems. Each new webpage we brings up, it also pulls up the NetZero box for us to dial in. And the bookmarks aren't user-friendly like in IE, so each time we want to access something we have to type in the address. This also means for Isaac's game time, for the whole hour of it, each time he wants to play a new game on a different website, mom or dad (meaning me) will have to stop what we're doing and come type in the different website for him.

We've had this talk before. I thought he heard me the first couple of times I told him. I told Dan I don't want him touching the computer anymore to try to fix anything, and he said only if he had someone there to help him do it. And I said noooooooooooo. DON'T TOUCH IT! Why does he do this?! I flat out told him that now that this is the 2nd time we're going to have to pay someone to fix our computer because of something he did, maybe he'll finally get it that he needs to stop messing with it! We'll try to take it back to the same place we did before, and hopefully they can fix these problems, plus fix the desktop (yikes), and since after Dan's "fix" it runs even s-l-o-w-e-r than before, so hopefully they can fix it all.

I think if this happens again, I'll threaten that we'll need a new computer and the thought of spending that much money on a new tower should get Dan to keep his hands to himself.

My header

2009-04-22T20:51:00.000-07:00

Pretty cool, huh? It's something I've been working on for a while, trying to create one that I really, really liked. This is my SPRING one, and I'm hoping to have a SUMMER one done before Brooke arrives. I'll also make one for FALL and WINTER. I collect angels, so I'm adding an angel to each header I'm making (Willow Tree won't mind, right?)

Cheap recipes

2009-04-21T21:03:00.000-07:00

We have these awesome Quick Cooking cookbooks, but alot of the ingredients call for convenience food items and with money being so tight... I decided to look for more simple basic recipes, and found some great collections online.

http://www.aaa-recipes.com/

http://www.basic-recipes.com/index.html

http://www.geocities.com/NapaValley/1918/great.html

Towards the bottom:
http://grandpappy.info/indexrec.htm

http://www.homemakerbarbi.com/printable-menu-plan-great-depression-recipes/

http://healthyrecipes.oregonstate.edu/all-recipes

http://www.thriftyfun.com/Recipes_833.html

Old menu ideas, not really recipes:
http://www.foodtimeline.org/fooddecades.html#30familymenus

Dry underwear & hot dogs

2009-04-21T20:36:00.000-07:00

TWO milestones today, can you believe it?!

The first is that Isaac spent most of the day in his big boy underwear, and stayed DRY! Potty training an autistic child is, I'm sorry to say, a pain in the ass. It really is. He's at the point where he can usually stay dry between trips to the potty, but the problem is he doesn't listen to his body about when he needs to go. That means it's up to Dan and I to try to figure out when he probably needs to go, then we have to push and threaten him to get upstairs to sit on the toilet. Then he sits for 10 seconds and stands back up and says "all done" when he hasn't done anything, then we have to force him to sit back down until he does go. But he is going pee in the toilet, and today was his very first day going to school in his big boy underwear! I packed a change of clothes in his backpack and talked to one of the teachers about it. When I picked him up from school, he had a Spiderman bouncy ball that he'd earned from their Treasure Box because he stayed dry at school today in his big boy underwear! Mom is so proud! The underwear lasted all the way until late afternoon when the poop came. I swear I hope Isaac is pooping in the toilet soon. We're going to make out a potty schedule for him so he has a visual aid about good times to use the potty, and hope that helps. It's been a long hard process, and unless people understand Isaac's special needs, if we try to share with some people how awesome he's doing on the potty we get totally rude comments like, "He's how old?!" He'll be 6 in June, thank you very much, and we couldn't be more proud of the progress he's been making.

The other huge milestone was Isaac ate a hot dog for dinner tonight. Meat. Something other than PB & J or a pancake. And not just a hot dog, but in the bun. I had some coupons so before going to the store I asked Isaac if he'd like to have hot dogs and he said yes. I asked him if he'd like them plain or in a bun, and he said in a bun. So after school I took him to the store with me and had him help me get the stuff. At dinner time I asked if he'd like his leftover pancake or a hot dog, and he said hot dog! I nuked the dog in the microwave, then sliced it in half lengthwise (since Isaac has always had chewing/swallowing problems, I didn't want him to choke). I put 1/2 the dog on the bun, and diced the other 1/2 up. He didn't want ketchup or mustard or anything, which he never does, he likes everything dry and plain. So he picks up the bun and starts eating, getting through that extra bread length. He gets to the meat part and makes a face as he's chewing the hot dog part, and I'm thinking Oh Great! He doesn't like it! Then he swallowed and continued to eat the entire rest of the hot dog and the bun! WOW! We are slowly, slowwwwwwwly beginning to make progress in expanding the foods that he'll eat. The last time he had a hot dog was when he was probably 2 and cut into itty bitty pieces. After that he liked corndogs, and that became a dietary staple for him until about a year ago when he wouldn't touch them again. And that was the only meat we could get in him. We can hide fruit and fiber in things like pancakes, but you can't mash up meat! It's a tricky balance to find foods that will be tasty to him, and also not offend his sensitivity to textures.

We had ice cream for dessert tonight, and of course Isaac wouldn't touch it. But I guess that's actually a good thing?

Progress

2009-04-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

Today I went to Isaac's Parent-Teacher conference, and it was great as I knew it would be.

Isaac is doing great in the structured classroom. He's initiating more with his peers, but now they're going to be working on how he does it since grabbing a friend's toy and saying "Chase me!" while running away doesn't exactly create the kind of fun friendly response Isaac was seeking.

He's doing GREAT in reading, and he has impressed the teachers that he knows the simple words like ball, girl, boy, play (I think they call those sight words?) They're especially impressed because they haven't been working on that at all, so it's something he's picked up on his own (here's me patting myself on the back). For 1st grade next year they're planning on having him attend the mainstream 1st grade class for reading time (and maybe math?), but the only thing that might hold him back is if the 1st grade teacher can't understand his speech then that would be a problem. But she's planning on shooting for the mainstream reading class next year! He will be just about at peer level in that subject! How awesome is that?!

Soon I want to post videos of before and after of Isaac: before when he was totally nonverbal and using ASL to communicate, and videos of now and how he won't stop talking!

For my LDS friends

2009-04-16T19:44:00.000-07:00

You'll understand this:

http://www.peepsofmormon.blogspot.com/

How did Eve do it?

2009-04-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

All through the night you can hear moaning and grunting coming from our room... It's me, trying to roll over and get comfortable. I've been in so much pain, and I don't know how many times I've wondered how Eve did it.

Did Eve have heartburn? She didn't have Tums.

Did Eve throw up or dry heave every time she brushed her teeth? I'm assuming they cleaned their teeth somehow.

Did Eve have Sciatica that caused pain and numbness down her lower body? She didn't have ice packs.

Did Eve have groin pain, the kind the doctor says is another pinched nerve, but actually feels like someone has taken a wooden baseball bat and stuck it between your legs and beat upwards repeatedly? She didn't have Tylenol.

Last night as we were crawling into bed I told Dan that I wondered how Eve did it, handling it all with no Tylenol or ice packs. His totally male response was, "I think she was so busy helping Adam work the land that it just took her mind off of her pain."

Pause... *Blink Blink*

I admit I had harsh words to say about that. I know he can never understand partly because he's male and partly because he is who he is, but I still couldn't believe those words came out of his mouth.

This is the same guy who knows I have to wash dishes in shifts and ice my back in between because the pain and numbness gets so bad I can barely walk. This is the same guy that I ask to help me get things out of the dryer because bending over creates a horrible pulling with contractions when I stand up again. This is the same guy who knows that after helping with yard work I'm down for the rest of the day and the entire next day with unbelieveable pain. This is the same guy who I have to have help me vacuum the house because it's too difficult for me to work the vacuum and haul it upstairs too. This is the same guy who, knowing all this, figures Eve took her mind off her pain by doing manual labor?!

I'm glad we weren't Adam and Eve.

A crazy busy Easter weekend

2009-04-14T12:37:00.000-07:00

SATURDAY

We left home early Saturday morning and headed up to Portland. Dan's youngest sister, Shelley, delivered her 2nd son premature on the 3rd, and he was being released Saturday afternoon. Because of timing issues, this was our first chance to drive up to see them and the baby. They were at Emanuel Children's Hospital, baby Landon in the NICU and mom and dad in the Ronald McDonald House since they live in the sticks way out on the coast of Washington. So up we went!

We wanted Isaac to see the temple where we were married, so we stopped on our way through. As we were pulling in I asked Dan if he thought we'd see any brides and grooms and we could show them the consequences of what happens when you get married. He didn't think that was too funny. I was surprised this picture didn't really capture the trees in bloom.

Since it was 9am and freezing cold, there weren't any wedding parties out yet. We took advantage of the near empty grounds and took lots of pictures.

We hit the road again and met Shelley and Andrew at the Ronald McDonald House. Isaac brought his Easter basket since we heard they were having an egg hunt put on by the Girl Scouts, even though I didn't think we'd make it there in time. We did!

Isaac was off like a bullet as soon as the egg hunt began! He quickly filled up his ducky Easter basket...

Filled up the blue Easter bucket he was given, and finally had to start filling up a plastic garbage bag! There were so many eggs!!!

After all the loot had been found, all the kids and Girl Scouts posed for a picture.

Back inside the House, Isaac was thrilled to start going through his eggs and seeing what candy and toys were inside.

Isaac lovedlovedlovedloved this dinousaur toy! You push buttons on the back of his head and he moves and roars! He's really into the Land Before Time videos right now, and he just thought it was so cool that they had a Cera there for him to play with!

Here's their dining room area... Pretty cool, huh? That train actually goes around the room and makes soft choo-chooing noises and ding-dings!

They had food there... And Dan learned an important lesson that you don't ask a 5 year old child to hold your donut for a minute.

Each room at the house has a theme, and Shelley and Andrew's themed room was sports. Dan fell in love.

We were finally able to meet the man of the hour, Mr. Landon Ray Walls. He was darling! And he was a hefty preemie too... He was born 6 weeks early, but weighed 5 lb 13 oz and was 19.5 inches long. When Isaac was born at 39 weeks, he was 6 lb 12 oz and was 19.5 inches long!

After visiting for quite a while, it was time to go. The hospital was having some kind of safety fair, so on our way out Isaac was able to climb in and see the inside of an ambulance (way cool)...

And a real police car! They were letting kids climb in and sit in the driver's seat of the police car, but Isaac didn't want to do it, crazy kid.

We headed south again and went to Dan's parents' house. Isaac was able to have another Easter egg hunt, this time with his baby cousin Andrew, who is Shelley and Andrew's eldest son. Because of the loot he gathered earlier and because two of his other cousins were going to be egg hunting later that day, we only let him keep about 5 eggs.

Finally home! Isaac dumped out all the eggs and stuffed animals he got on his egg hunts. I counted 67 eggs. Can you believe it?! He seriously made out better this Easter than he normally does on Halloween! Past Easters we've only been able to do one egg hunt, so this was a huge event for him this year.

His favorite egg surprise was one of those bopper-balloons that you blow up HUGE and it has a big rubber band attached to one end. He got three of them! All of his candy, little toys, and stickers filled up his blue Easter bucket almost to the rim.

SUNDAY

Easter Sunday morning Dan had to work super early, so it was just me and Isaac. He got me up at his usual time, 6am on the nose, and we came downstairs to see what the Easter bunny had brought. Earlier we had all been to Target and as we went down the Easter aisles we asked Isaac what things he might like in his basket this year. He picked out this small chocolate bunny and a pack of Easter Play-Doh, so while Isaac wasn't looking Dan grabbed them and purchased them and hid them in the van. So now Isaac thinks the Easter bunny has some magic ability to know what he likes, kind of like Santa. Except the Easter bunny didn't even need a list!

After Dan got off work, we drove down to Springfield to my grandparents' house for Easter dinner. Isaac had his third egg hunt there! This time the eggs were filled with coins so he could add them to his piggy bank to save for the next coolest toy.

When we got home we were able to color eggs. My mom had bought Isaac these cute bug Easter egg kits that come with the dyes and the plastic and sticker bug parts. We colored the eggs Sunday evening, and had to wait until the eggs were dry the next day to put the stickers on...

The stickers didn't work too great, but Isaac still had a great time and he wants to color Easter eggs every day of the year now!

Poo in the potty!

2009-04-09T20:44:00.001-07:00

Isaac went poo in the potty at school!!!!! This is HUGE news when it happens! They have a box they call the Treasure Box, and if Isaac goes poo in the potty at school he can pick out something from the Treasure Box. Today he went poo, and he picked out this Mach 6 toy. He already has one, but he still thought it was super cool since Speed Racer is his thing (he calls me Ma Racer and Dad is Pops Racer). It was funny though because the teacher told me about his achievement before he came out the doors, so I was super excited for him... But the only thing he wanted to talk about was the bunny named Silver that one of the teachers brought to class today and how he got to pet him. He's finishing his Augmentin so there's been a lot of poo lately, but maybe while he's loose he'll get one or two more in the potty here at home. Another highlight of the day was when he told me he had to go pee, then we went upstairs and he actually went pee in the potty instead of in his pull-up! It's been such a slow and painful (and expensive) process, but it's so exciting when he has great days like today!

Feeding the baby

2009-04-08T20:34:00.001-07:00

It's already turning into an adventure and she isn't even born yet! At first I was sure I was going to bottle feed Brooke because of all the issues I had with trying to nurse Isaac. Then after talking to different people, there's a possibility that because with this pregnancy I can't tolerate soy or most dairy that could mean Brooke will have these allergies. So this is why I've decided to try to nurse her after all.

So we took a trip to Target to collect some of the baby things we still needed. Target is only 1 of 2 places to shop for baby stuff in town, so we're very limited here. We get to the bottle aisle, and it's an entire aisle designated for bottles, bottle nipples, nursing pumps, and every other boob gadget you can think of. They had bottles that were glass and they had bottles that were $10 a piece. They had bottle nipples for every friggin age month. And each and every single one claimed to reduce gas and colic. After 20 minutes of standing in this aisle, Dan finally decided he was going to go check out the diapers and wipes. He asks me if I'm coming, and I say no, I'm going to stare at the shelves a few minutes longer. I don't remember it being this difficult shopping for Isaac! Finally, on the very bottom shelf at the very right corner I find a package of 3 inexpensive bottles with nipples and caps included, for ages 0-3 months! Score! Peons like me need the simple things like this! So we have bottles.

Now it's time to look for nursing bras, and since I have a Target gift card balance to use that means I'll be getting them there. Except our Target doesn't have nursing bras. In fact, like many of the items in their store, their entire selection of bras was pitiful. So I looked online and hallelujah they have nursing bras online! But what size? It's been a long time since I've been bra shopping, and honestly I haven't needed to this entire pregnancy. With Isaac it was a different story. In his case the good Lord giveth and He never taketh it away. I found a website where you can enter in your measurements and it'll give you your correct size. Mine said, "Congratulations, you are size ???" Well, that was a huge help. At least my size just confused the system and didn't cause it to crash.

Since Isaac has Friday off from school, I'm planning on driving to a sister city where they have a Walmart and just trying on a bunch to find the right fit for that brand (Walmart always has a huge selection of bras). That should thrill Isaac since I'll have him with me. But I'd rather go through the headache of doing the dressing room thing rather than ordering a bra online that doesn't fit and running out of time to replace it!

The garden

2009-04-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

I thought great weather would never ever come! I get so antsy to be able to get outside and play in the dirt and start making things grow again. The trouble this year is that being heavily pregnant and feeling pain and stretching in places I never expected, I've had to leave the gardening to Dan. And since gardening is not his thing, he can get pretty grouchy about it.

Here's Dan in the backyard working on preparing the garden site a few days ago. The ground was super soft so he just got out there and dug and pulled up the grass and weeds, and it didn't take him too long either. Isaac thought he'd be fast enough to run from me and the camera!

Yesterday after dropping Isaac off at school, and since Dan had the day off and the weather was beautiful, we ran to the farm supply store and bought seeds to plant after Isaac got home from school. Isaac has been earning dimes for his piggy bank by doing chores like making his bed, so he was able to earn a couple dimes by helping us plant seeds in the front and backyards.

We were able to use the bricks and pieces of bricks we had to create a border around my strawberries. I had meant to do alot of things this last fall, but with spending the whole day throwing up it just wasn't a priority to work in the garden. So the strawberries had stretched and were starting to go into the grass and surrounding garden area, and we can't have that! We were able to move the rope trellis over and secure it well for use this summer. We planted pole beans (green beans) and spinach. In the buckets we planted hubbard squash, acorn squash, oregano, and basil. We need to start our peppers and tomatoes indoors, as well as our other herbs before we can get those in the ground outside. I didn't want to plant as much as we had last summer because 1) I'm not the one doing the planting and remember: Dan gets grouchy, and 2) I'm hoping by having fewer plants out there we won't have as big a problem with powdery mildew as we did last year. I can't wait to take pictures of our garden when it starts to grow and get pretty!

Replacing fear with FAITH

2009-04-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

This weekend was General Conference, and I love General Conference. You know that great feeling if you've ever been hiking in the woods, breathing that clean air, getting that exercise, and the wonderful happy feelings you get from being there? That's how I feel about Conference. It's like good food and exercise for the soul.

We've never had cable, and I mean never (not even basic cable), so we listen to Conference online. Which, I have to say, was the best idea ever, even before sliced bread. Trying to keep a young child quiet and occupied while sitting in a dark chapel for 2 hour stretches at a time while watching Conference at the Stake Center is a long thing of the past. Saturday I was able to crank up the volume on the computer and listen to Conference while Isaac played, fairly quietly, with his toys and other things of fun, and I was able to clean house... I love to multi-task! Plus, listening at home also means I don't have to have the annoying chore of trying to shave my legs for church, which in this late pregnancy results in a lot of huffing and puffing and groaning and ready to sit and take a break by the time the hated chore is done.

My favorite talk was the last one of Saturday morning Conference, and I think it was by President Henry B. Eyring. It was fantastic, and it brought me to tears thinking of how appropriate the topic was for the times we're in now when nearly all of us are faced with trials and fear. I also thought of how much I could have used this talk a long time ago after Isaac's birth and the years of pain and therapy and recovery I had to go through, and how much his talk echoed my thoughts of that time.

Some repeating themes stood out to me. One was of temples and the importance of temple work. I hold a current temple recommend, but I haven't been since we moved to the Corvallis area about 4 years ago because of the time it takes to get there and the issues of finding a sitter for Isaac, which really means reliable family. It just hasn't happened. I want to make it for our wedding anniversary in July, and the talks about temples reconfirmed what I felt I should find a way to do.

Another thing I thought was interesting was the children's Primary songs the choir sang, and also a couple of the talks included quoting some of the lyrics from the Primary songs. I wondered about that, and thought about how the principles of the Gospel are broken down into such extremely simple terms for the Primary children to understand. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is simple, and sometimes it's the simple words that really get through and make a bigger impact over the longer grownup versions.

And last, a repeating topic that appeared was about trials and staying obedient to God's commandments during difficult times. I don't remember who said it (I can't wait for the Conference Ensign to arrive!) but someone mentioned about replacing fear with faith. During these times it's not an easy thing to do, but we were reminded that fear is not an emotion put there by God, but by Satan. We need to replace fear with faith.

I thought of the things I've been fearful of lately, and how I can adjust my thinking. I've been afraid because Dan's hours at work have been cut. I'm grateful because he has a job where many others don't, but we're hurting and it's scary to not make ends meet and be in a position of need. The temp place he signed up for as a 2nd job has only called him once, and he couldn't take the job because it was a graveyard shift and conflicts with his regular job (the man has to sleep sometime!) We've received wonderful help from family, and after we've exhausted alot of our major food storage items (remember all those other Conferences where the Prophets told us to save and prepare for the times when we'll need them?), we've had to ask the church for help. And that's an extremely humbling and uncomfortable place to be, because we want to be able to provide for ourselves. One of the talks mentioned a young couple in a situation similar to ours, and said how this couple had prayed and examined their lives to make sure they were living righteously, and decided to smile and have faith that something would work out. As one of the speakers mentioned, we need to smile instead of moan, and welcome trials as opportunities to grow, and have faith that things will be alright.

My other source of fear has been about Brooke's upcoming arrival and c-section. I've had fears about the surgery. Then I've thought of the 4 years of pain I had after Isaac's natural delivery, having to drive to OHSU to see specialists, going through physical therapy and also receive counseling for the trauma it all caused me, and then I think how a few weeks of suffering from a c-section is so much better than repeating what I went through before. I'm going to have Dan give me a blessing to give me comfort and put my mind at ease, and try to remember that things will be alright.

I am so grateful for the Gospel and the solid foundation it gives me in my life. I can't even imagine going through the trials I've had without that foundation that has kept me from breaking under the weight of those struggles.

Autism Awareness Month

2009-04-04T19:56:00.001-07:00

April is Autism Awareness month, so of course I've gotta add my 2 cents in here.

For a couple of months now I've been receiving that free Babytalk magazine, which I appreciate since I've been out of touch with the whole newborn thing for the last 6 years... but in this issue, there wasn't a single thing in there about autism. I could not believe it! There was one page devoted to milestones and "red flags", but nothing about autism and the signs to watch for. It shocked me, because then I thought about how much everyone knows about SIDS and what they should and shouldn't do to prevent it, but not many people are aware of the signs of autism and it affects so many more children and families than SIDS does!!! Autism affects 1 in 150 children, and among boys that number is even greater. Isaac began showing signs and delays as early as 6 months that eventually led to his diagnosis. No one should wait until their child is in their toddler years to learn the signs of autism and then do something about it. Example: The year we moved here I was out working in the yard and started talking to our new neighbor, and I mentioned how Isaac has autism. She asked me, "What's autism?" *blink blink* Was she serious? Yes, she was, and she's a mother of young children also! I take it for granted that just because I live with this every day doesn't mean the rest of society knows or understands what autism is.

So I'm including a list of my favorite resources, along with the reminder that
1) Autism is NOT caused by vaccines, and
2) Autism is NOT cureable. You can treat the symptoms/delays and it does make life easier, but autism never goes away. It's always, always there. Anyone who claims their autistic child has been "cured" received a misdiagnosis to begin with.

Autism Society of America
http://www.autism-society.org/

Autism Society of Oregon
http://www.oregonautism.com/

Autism Speaks
http://www.autismspeaks.org/

Autism Support Network
http://www.autism-pdd.net/

Autism Oregon
http://autismoregon.org/

Help Autism Now Society (I've met this mom, and she's super neat)
http://www.helpautismnow.com/

A website with world-wide events (by the way, Oregon has one of the highest rates of autism, yet very few autism-related functions are held here... Why is that?)

http://www.worldautismawarenessday.org/site/c.egLMI2ODKpF/b.3917085/k.8FDB/Event_Schedule.htm

And some good resources for Asperger's, which I believe my husband and many members of his immediate family have a mild form of, but are undiagnosed (just one of his siblings has been diagnosed with Asperger's):

Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S. website
http://www.kmarshack.com/therapy/asperger/faq.html

Tony Attwood website, leading expert on Asperger's
http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/articles/completeguide.html
And a fantastic book of his:
http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/articles/completeguide.html

And this is not necessarily autism related, but it's about "Ability Awareness" and is touching:
http://www.imtyler.org/

Out of the mouths of babes

2009-03-31T17:34:00.000-07:00

Some kids are totally and completely random and bust-your-gut funny, my niece being one of them. Isaac has given me a few great laughs too.

This morning I had him sitting on the potty when totally out of the blue he tells me, in his manner of speaking, that he'll have hair on his elbows and his penis when he gets big like mom and dad. How do you NOT start laughing at that, and how do you respond? I'm not a huge prude, but still...

And my dad's favorite: A couple of years ago Isaac was realizing that someone has made everything, including the toys and movies he enjoys. When he'd ask me who made an item, I'd tell him, and then he'd ask, "Hard work?" asking if it was hard work to make that particular thing. So one day Isaac comes up to me and asks me who made him? I told him Mommy and Daddy made him. He looks at me and asks, "Hard work?" I remember laughing and thinking to myself, it wasn't hard work at the time!

This was a funny that came from Dan this past fall, and not Isaac, but I've still gotta share: When I found out I was pregnant, I was shocked! It was a total surprise, and I had taken the test while Dan was at work because I knew it would be negative. WRONG! So I called Dan up at work and told him that when he got home, I had a surprise for him. Dan, thinking of the arts and crafts I'd been working on at the time, asked me, "Is it homemade?" My response: "Um, yaaaaah." We sure aren't exhibitionists!

Meet Tom & Jerry

2009-03-29T19:26:00.000-07:00

I just have to include these pics because so many people think it's weird/disgusting that our son has two pet rats. Please meet Tom and Jerry! Tom is black and white, and Jerry is completely white. Dan decided to give them a bath in the kitchen sink (totally scrubbed and sanitized before and after bathtime) and the rats did not appreciate the gesture! They do keep themselves clean, but I had to admit they looked extra fresh after their sudsy dip. We've had them for a year now.

He's a super reader

2009-03-29T19:16:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago Isaac brought home a Reading Award certificate that allowed him to get a free personal size pizza! We were able to go last Monday, and Isaac had a great time. He enjoyed his cheese pizza and a couple of mini toys from the quarter machine there. We're so proud of how well he's doing in school! We have a meeting with his teacher on Tuesday and I'd like to find out exactly how he earned this certificate since he's not actually reading yet. But we're still proud of how great he's doing! The pizza place pics are from Dan's cell camera, and is proof of why I've asked him to practice with the camera(s) before Brooke arrives so we can get clear pictures on her birth day.

Welcome Spring!

2009-03-29T15:59:00.000-07:00

Spring has arrived. I know this because ants have started creeping into my home.

Let me tell you something about ants: I hate them. I'm not afraid of them, they just gross me out. I've been in homes where ants freely run through the house and the home owner obviously does nothing to 1) prevent them (ie. keeping their house clean) and 2) kill them. Not in my home! At the sight of the first ant searching for a free meal, I've got ant traps out all. over. the. house. I keep a clean home so I usually see just one lone ant, the traps come out, then I'll see maybe 6 more as they gobble up the poison and I stand there laughing wickedly like the witch and the poisoned apple. Eat up my pretties! Can you believe when we moved into this place the worst room in the house for ants was our upstairs bathroom?! Since being here and the spraying and traps I've done, I've been pleased to see very very few of them in our house at all.

Spring also means protecting our yard/flowers from the neighborhood cats and dogs that like to use it as a litter box. I need to get more moth balls to deal with the cats, and I need to make more "doggy-bombs" for the dogs. A doggy-bomb is something I made when I was at my whit's end dealing with the neighbor's dog constantly crapping in our yard: I bought some chocolate-flavored Ex-lax and then wrapped those individual pieces around pieces of bread (crusts removed). I keep them in a bag in the freezer, and either after the dog poops in our yard or after I see he's eaten the one I've tossed out in the grass already, I toss another one out there. My way of thinking: If the dog craps in their house enough, maybe they'll get a clue that their dog is eating something they shouldn't when they let them run wild in the neighborhood. By the way, these are pit-bulls so there's no way I'm dealing with them like a civilized human being, and even though I suspect what house they're from I'm not even honestly sure.

A much more pleasant side of Spring is the flowers. I love flowers! My daffodils have finally started to bloom, my lone hyacinth bloomed, my small lilac bush has green buds, and my tulips will soon be up. I look forward to after Brooke is born and being able to go outside and kneel and dig in the dirt again! If we ever own our own home, I hope it has a huge space for a beautiful flower garden, just because flowers make me happy.

Church

2009-03-29T15:35:00.000-07:00

I made it to church today, I was totally patting myself on the back! I stayed just for Sacrament meeting and then came home to ice my back, but I made it there for the most important meeting. Last Sunday I had a case of morning sickness that was so bad it gave me contractions and broke the capillaries under my eyes and cheeks. Before that I've just been in so much pain that I couldn't go, so today was my first time in a month or so.

*pat, pat*

Rubber cement & Lillies

2009-03-25T20:35:00.000-07:00

Isaac's Spring Break is half way over, I can hardly believe it. And it is by far the BEST school break he's had yet! I remember last year's Spring Break he had such a difficult time with the transition that there was alot of screaming and yelling in our home, and only 1/4 of it was from me (ya, I am one of the mean mommies who occasionally yells at her child when the need/desire arises). Since we live in a duplex, after last year's Spring Break was over I made a huge batch of treats and took them over to our neighbors with a note of apology as a peace offering... I hated listening to it in my own home, and I'm sure it wasn't pleasant for them either!

This year has been much, much easier and our "fun" thing for this Spring Break has been to redecorate Isaac's room with Speed Racer pictures. So today I got out the rubber cement and spent a good hour or so pasting and cutting these pictures to get them ready to go on the wall. And as I'm inhaling these fumes, the smell reminded me of the first time I ever smelled rubber cement. I was in the 3rd grade and everyone in our class had made these little books (I don't remember what was in them) but I remember the teacher using rubber cement to paste the pages and the SMELL! Our books were covered with sticky shelf lining paper, and I remember mine was a small blue & white print of some kind. But I remember that was the first time I'd smelled that odor.

So I started thinking about other smells and how funny it is that a smell can trigger an automatic memory of something.

I love day-lillies. They're so beautiful and cheerful! Many years ago I was in the hospital and I was horribly sick, and I was there for a week. My Grandma cut me some beautiful lillies from her garden and brought them in a vase and I had them put in a spot in my room where I could admire them. Unfortunately, in such a small room, the scent became so over-powering that I had to ask my sister to take them home, and so today lillies remind me of the hospital and lillies became one of my sister's favorite flowers. That sucked.

I love the smell of the beach, that fishy-salty smell in the air. It reminds me of all the happy family day trips we'd take as kids, having fun in the water, looking for shells, and finding cool things hiding in the tide pools.

I love my nose.

Brooke's coming home outfit

2009-03-20T14:12:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago we went to Fred Meyer while they were having this huge baby sale, and found this coming-home outfit for Brooke... Isn't it the cutest?! We had a really hard time deciding between a few outfits, mainly because Dan wanted to go with the pink frilly kinds of dresses and the pink frilly kinds of dresses make me gag a little. We agreed on this one and I'm pleased with it. We bought her some of those elastic stretchy bows that go around the baby's head... I've never actually put one on a baby before, so we'll see how it all works. Since I know this dress will be too long for her little feet to show much, rather than getting cute shoes to go with it I'm just going to find some pretty white socks, and I'm sure to Dan's pleasure, they may even have some frilly on them.