By this time next Tuesday we'll be a family of 4, can you believe it? There's just 7 days left to go, and less if Brooke decides to come early.
Last night I had false labor. I felt like an idiot for calling the doctor, but I never had false labor with Isaac so I figured better safe than sorry. The contractions were 5 minutes apart for an hour, but they were just uncomfortable and not painful so I knew I wasn't in true labor but also knew that it could progress to true labor during the night. Fortunately it didn't because there were things I still wanted to do, like plucking my eyebrows and ironing Brooke's going home outfit. Last night Dan got fidgety and asked if I wanted him to get the suitcase out to start packing (something I planned to do this Wednesday). I told him no I didn't think we needed it, so he ran upstairs and got it out. I forgot I married an Eagle Scout... Always be prepared! I went ahead and packed a few things so it helped put both our minds at ease a bit, and when it's really time (even if that's the day of the c-section) I'll just grab the rest of the things. I'll put a backpack of things together for Isaac too in case he has to go to a friend's house if I go into labor early.
I've had a lot on my mind.
I'm scared. I'm tired of people asking me if I'm "excited" for Brooke to be here. Call me a terrible mother, but I'm not excited. I'm scared. I've had one child so far, and there was nothing pleasant or exciting about the pregnancy, the delivery, or the first 3 months of screaming colic. That's an entire 12 months of fear and pain and misery (okay, the pain was actually about 4 years). With that kind of track record, why would I be excited? Of course no one knows the details of Isaac's birth so they don't mean to offend when they ask me that. I never told anyone about my experience until I posted it here on my blog and even then I'm sure very few people, if anyone, has read it all. It just helped for me to get it out and in a sense wipe the slate clean to prepare for Brooke's birth.
After Isaac was born I thought I wouldn't have any more children. And if I did, they would be a surprise and they would come by c-section since I couldn't put my body through that again. Brooke was a surprise and she's coming by c-section. The surgery scares me. Aside from the fear of pain, I'm terrified because they're going to have my arms strapped down so I don't reflex and grab at my stomach. The idea of being strapped down scares me. The complications from surgery scares me. My weight gain has been perfect with this pregnancy, but I'm still horribly overweight and I'm scared about what complications that will bring to the surgery. Will I have bladder infection problems like a woman I knew who had c-sections with her 2 kids? Or will everything go smoothly like it did for my sister's 2 kids? I trust my doctor and I know that she's the kind of doctor who would tell me if a c-section was a bad idea and that's never ever been an issue with her. They have my medical history and records. What if I go into labor early, then I'd have another doctor I've never met before doing the surgery... Could I trust him or her? What it comes down to is what I'm most afraid of: a repeat of what I went through with Isaac with a vaginal delivery or a c-section. After the injuries I had after Isaac's birth and his medical problems, I always believed Isaac should have been a c-section baby, so then Brooke being a c-section baby would be a no-brainer. VBACS aren't done here and even if they were I wouldn't do it because the risks are too great.
I hate that these decisions are all done with the basis of fear. I pray so hard. I pray that the surgery will go smoothly. I pray that I will be comforted. I pray that Brooke will not have colic or autism. I pray so hard for a neurotypical child and to have the experience of that. If Brooke has autism then I think she'll be our last, because I can't imagine going through the pain and grief and therapies that we went through with Isaac again. If Brooke is NT, then just maybe I'll have the normal experience most other pregnant women have with their delivery and newborn and it will be exciting and a joy and open my mind and heart up for having more kids down the road. I want so badly to enjoy the experience and to enjoy my newborn.
If things don't go the ideal way I'd like them to, I still tell myself it'll be okay. I've been there and done that before. I can get through it again.
But I don't want to.
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