The day after we came home from the hospital was the 4th of July. Daniel had wanted to see the fireworks, but I was still healing and exhausted so we stayed home. The apartment we lived in was by a large park by the river, and we were fortunate that there was a firework display going on down there, so we were able to see some fireworks above the trees from our dining room window. I watched a couple go off and went to bed while Dan stayed up to watch a little longer.
Daniel quickly returned to work and I was left home with our newborn. I was terrified. It also became difficult because Isaac developed colic. He would scream all day and pass out at night, only allowing me to wake him long enough to eat. Under the doctor’s orders I was to wake Isaac up every two hours to eat. I was still trying to nurse him, and had been given some of the nursing tools from the hospital as well as a borrowed pump.
The nighttime feeding routine went something like this: I would set my alarm to go off every 2 hours. I would get up. We had Isaac in a bassinet in our room, so I’d wheel him into his nursery where my rocker was set up. I would have to continually tickle and rub the bottom of his feet to try to keep him awake long enough to eat. I would attempt to nurse him, always having to end with a bottle of pumped milk or formula. I would make sure he was in a clean diaper and then put him back in our room. Then I would use the breast pump. By the time I was able to crawl back into bed, I had about 20 minutes left to sleep before I had to wake up and repeat the whole process.
I was exhausted, and I mean real, true exhaustion of the body and mind. I also cried all the time. I felt like a failure as a mother and a woman that I couldn’t nurse my son. One evening my mom stopped by, and I was in the nursery sitting in my rocker crying. My mom came and sat down on the floor and talked to me. At some point in our conversation I apologized to her for every terrible and difficult thing I had ever put her through. I didn’t know motherhood was going to be so hard. By the end of our conversation I also knew I needed to talk to my doctor.
When Isaac was a week and a half old, I had my appointment with Kate. Two things happened at that time.
First, I had told her how I was still extremely sore, and when she examined me she found that not all of my bag of waters (amniotic sac) had come out at Isaac’s birth. Using a tool, she reached in and peeled off the pieces she could see. It hurt so bad. She then set up an appointment for me to have an ultrasound to make sure all the pieces were gone.
The second thing was I described to her how I was feeling and the extreme exhaustion I had. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and put on a medication. This meant I had to stop nursing Isaac, but I had to do this for my health. While the medicine was kicking in, I was directed to have someone help me with Isaac for the first week or two. Kate also directed me to get a full night’s sleep, meaning that Daniel would be in charge of feedings and changes for that night. When we left I felt better knowing we were taking actions to try to make things better.
That night Daniel did all the feedings and changes, but I still woke up every time Isaac cried and I often had to push Daniel awake so he could get up with him. After one middle-of-the-night feeding Dan came stumbling back to bed and said the sweetest words a husband can ever say to his wife: “Heather, I don’t know how you do it”. He doesn’t remember saying that, but I hold those words close to my heart.
The ladies at church were wonderful and had been bringing meals over, and now they began allowing me to spend a few hours in their homes while I received help with Isaac and I rested. It was an embarrassing situation for me, but I did it because I knew I needed the help and most of the women were very nice and understanding. Only one of the women told me I shouldn’t go on medication. She believed no one needed to be on medication, and that I would be fine with herbal supplements. She also told me my doctor’s orders to wake Isaac every two hours to eat was ridiculous because her two teenage children had always let her know when they needed to eat. She didn’t know our medical history or needs. She and I both worked in the Young Women’s program, she as a teacher and me in the Presidency, and she expressed frustration to me about when I was going to be returning to church. I had a difficult time being with this Sister, but I tried to suck it up because she was the most available to help me and I needed that help.
Eventually the medication kicked in and I found that I felt a little better. With Isaac being bottle fed, I was able to get a little more sleep and this also allowed him to receive more nutrition because he continued to have poor sucking reflexes and by using a bottle he didn’t have to work as hard to eat.
About this time I developed mastitis and had to be put on an antibiotic. I never imagined that kind of pain before. I also had my ultrasound appointment. Since this wasn’t an average ultrasound, this one had to be done vaginally. Daniel and Isaac were with me, and they also had a female nurse in the room as well. It hurt so bad because I still wasn’t healed. Mercifully it was a fairly quick procedure and we found that no more pieces of the sac remained behind, to my eternal relief. The idea of undergoing surgery was extremely unpleasant to me.
We took Isaac to the same doctor my sister had taken my niece to. She was good enough in the beginning. Isaac was circumcised there at the doctor’s office. I chose not to be in the same room because I couldn’t bear to hear my baby’s cries. At two weeks old Isaac developed a red birth mark on the middle of his bottom lip. I thought it was cute. The doctor told me that if I wanted to, they could surgically remove it later on. I looked at her like she was crazy. I guess some people are sensitive about birthmarks, but there was no way I was letting them touch my son.
Isaac's strawberry birthmark on his lower lip.
Our first wedding anniversary photo, complete with screaming baby.
On July 19th Daniel and I celebrated our very first wedding anniversary. We wanted to go to the temple to celebrate, so my mom watched Isaac for us. The trip up to the
Frozen 1 year wedding cake is really gross.
Isaac’s colic continued in full force and lasted the entire first three months of his life. He would cry and scream all day and only not scream at night, from exhaustion I’m sure. We tried everything for relief. We were on WIC, and with a doctor’s prescription we were able to put him on a special (and expensive!) formula called Alimentum. We tried gas drops. We tried infant Tylenol. We tried lavender bath wash and lotion. We also did infant massage. There was no relief. One time my mom came over to visit me. Our complex was set on a sloping hill, and our apartment was in the middle of the incline. Visitor parking was down at the bottom of the hill. My mom could hear Isaac’s cries all the way down to where she had parked. I felt terrible for our neighbors, especially when once our downstairs neighbor commented on the noise, but there was nothing we could do. Most infants with colic don’t have it for longer than three months, and I believe that is by God’s design for the continuation of our species. No one would wish colic on their worst enemy.
Isaac spent a lot of time in the vibrator chair because it was the only thing that came close to soothing him.
Isaac was blessed the first Sunday in August. That was a special day with family and friends. His little white romper suit was huge on him!
Isaac's blessing day.
My sister called about this time and wanted me to start doing free childcare for my niece, who was about three years old. My sister didn’t know about what I had been through or what I was continuing to go through, so I told her I didn’t think I could do it because I was so tired. She became really nasty and basically chewed me out for being “tired” and not wanting to help her out when she needed it. I still didn’t want to do it, but in the end I did because my sister was a single mom going through a lot of things and I knew my niece needed a good solid place to go to for childcare. I loved my sister and my niece, it’s just that I didn’t know if I could handle one more thing on top of what I was already dealing with.
Isaac and Bailey
Isaac’s colic did ease once he reached three months old. I will be forever grateful for that, because we were not to know that we would only have three months to really enjoy having a baby. Between the ages of 3 – 6 months old, Isaac seemed like any other typical baby. He was a fairly happy baby. He still didn’t sleep well through the night, so we still dealt with normal parent exhaustion. Once I woke in the morning to find that at some time in the night I had put our gallon of milk in the kitchen cupboard instead of the fridge. I don’t know when I did it, but it was still cold so I put it back in the fridge. And of course falling asleep ourselves while feeding Isaac was a normal thing too.
Daniel and I started school again. Daniel was working full time and going to school full time, commuting from
For these appointments it would take me a number of hours to drive up, have the appointment, and drive home, so Daniel and Isaac stayed home while I made the commute. The doctor I saw was a woman, which I was grateful for because I’ve always thought it a little creepy for men to be in that line of work. The doctors at OHSU were very knowledgeable and no-nonsense, which I also appreciated.
After some examination I was diagnosed with two things. The first diagnosis was the doctor who stitched me up after Isaac’s birth had stitched me up too tightly. The second diagnosis was vaginismis, a condition I had never heard of before. The doctor explained it to me and I was also able to read more online. I was given some equipment to begin physical therapy at home. Those tools cost me just under $200 and insurance didn’t cover any of it. I remember this because I had to take the money out from an ATM there at the OHSU campus, and never in my life had I ever taken so much from an ATM before. I was also given a list of physical therapists in my area to contact. I never did contact a physical therapist because the pain and shame I felt already was so great that I couldn’t bring myself to seek outside help other than my doctor. It was also recommended that I seek counseling to help me with the mental part of the healing process.
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